Forget-Me-Not Moments

I’ve been thinking lately about the power of “moments”

I remember that moment when Dale lay in the hospital bed with the minutes reaching toward his final moment and knowing that would be a moment that would change my life forever. And I realized that (as David Levien said), “At the end, one didn’t remember life as a whole but as just a string of moments.”

The moment we met, the moment he held me in his arms and we danced to what would become “our song”, the moment we fell in the love.  The moment we were married. The moments when our sons were born, and when our grandchildren were born. 

Moments we were breathlessly happy and moments when we were breath takingly sad.

It was Crystal Woods who is attributed to saying, “I want to take all our best moments, put them in a jar, and take them out like cookies and savor each one of them forever.”

Oh, how I agree with her!  Not only are they something to savor but actually now that I’m alone, now that I have the majority of my life behind me, these moments from the past actually nourish me. They are as potent as any vitamin, as fulfilling as any meal.

My heart is filled with contentment when my son calls and tells me what he and his family are doing together.  I know that without realizing it they are creating moments that will last a lifetime. Moments that will build and strengthen, moments to be cherished.

When my mother was in her last years she couldn’t remember the people who were around her, she couldn’t remember where she was or even who she was.  But I called her every other evening and I would read to her from her own well-written autobiography of a life filled with experiences of love and hardship and adventures and a happy childhood spent with a gaggle of loving sisters on a farm with her strong and loving father and her charming and delicate mother.  And during those reading hours she actually remembered those moments of her youth and she once again had a sense of self. It was during one of those readings that she mused, “You know, time goes by without you realizing you’re having the time of your life!”

I said “Oh Mother! That’s brilliant! Let me write that down!” I scribbled it on a post-it note and attached it to my computer screen and then read it back to her…

“Time goes by without you realizing you’re having the time of your life”. 

 “Who said that?” She asked.

“You did!”  I said.

 “I did!” She said, “That’s really good!”

I’ll always remember that moment, simultaneously funny and heart-wrenching. I quickly continued to read to her and her memory loss for the things of the present didn’t matter to her, she was enjoying the memorable moments of her youth and she was happy.  She could always lie down and go to sleep peaceably after we talked.

I like to draw and to sculpt and to write and to take photographs and it occurs to me that what I’m doing in each medium is capturing moments, preserving them, savoring them. 

Jean-Paul Sartre in his book The Age of Reason wrote into a dialogue:

“She smiled and said with an ecstatic air: "It shines like a little diamond",

"What does?"

"This moment. It is round, it hangs in empty space like a little diamond; I am eternal.”

There are those ‘brilliant’ moments that are eternal and there are the moments in your life when someone said or did something, perhaps just one thing that hurt you or changed you. Careless words that made you pause and through the years you still remember those as well. And now you find (in a moment of clarity) that it’s easier to spend time now forgiving that person for that moment than to waste any more of your precious moments in grief when the memory pops up again. That would be time well spent now. You can’t change the bad moments but for some you can take measures to just let them go!

This past week I gathered together all of the love poems that Dale wrote for me over the years and put them into a book along with landscape photos that he had taken and photos of us together at important or tender times in our lives.  I felt him near me as I worked on this project. And I felt an overwhelming sensation that he still treasures these moments as well. 

When I finally finished the project I decided to go for a short drive and enjoy the incredible show of brightly colored autumn leaves that transform the world into a magical place. It was as if Dorothy flew over the rainbow and suddenly everything was now in living color.  I took a moment to absorb the beauty, to take a mental picture and savor the feeling that comes from an autumn day.  That very night in the wee hours of the morning, I felt a chill and pulled up the extra quilt at the foot of my bed.  When I awoke, the early morning light displayed for my view the trees, rooftops, and streets that were covered with a thick layer of pure white glistening snow.  It was the end of autumn, the beginning of winter and all in what seemed to be just a moment.  I stood at the window, pulling my robe more snuggly around me and took a mental picture of the beauty. While experiencing the silent grandeur of a winter’s morning I somehow felt more alive and yet more at peace.  Without realizing it I’d added more moments to the “cookie jar”.

Because of the "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" feeling that the snow brought...tomorrow I go Christmas shopping with my sister. A decision we happily made on a whim tonight in a volley of happy texts. More sweet moments await!

Nella Fantasia

I visited with an old friend the other day. He was lamenting the loss of peace in the world and not just in faraway places. The peace that once was the charm of a section of his home city, where he and his wife could stroll at a leisurely pace and then duck into a charming boutique if it started to rain or on sunny days, sit together at the table of a sidewalk café and nibble on fresh baked pastries while watching people walk happily by…that peace, that security was replaced by riotous pandemonium. Hateful students chanting hateful slogans and forcing good folks to leave and stores to close their doors, took over their happy places. The places became dirty and an aura of discontent, chaos and gloom was now the tone of the area.

He said he had taken to reading and re-reading the Bible for comfort and consolation. I agreed with the idea and determined to take on my own study.  And then, just today I read a quote by Thomas S. Monson:

“Out of Nazareth and down through the generations of time come His excellent example, His welcome words, His divine deeds.

They inspire patience to endure affliction, strength to bear grief, courage to face death, and confidence to meet life. In this world of chaos, of trial, of uncertainty, never has our need for such divine guidance been more desperate.

Lessons from Nazareth, Capernaum, Jerusalem, Galilee transcend the barriers of distance, the passage of time, the limits of understanding, and bring to troubled hearts a light and a way.”

From deep in the back of my mind a song, one of my favorites was pushing through the despair I had felt and now accompanied the hope I was experiencing instead.

Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo giusto

Li tutti vivono in pace e in onestà

Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere

Come le nuvole che volano

Pien' d'umanità in fondo all'anima

It is such a beautiful song when preformed in Italian by the group Amici Forever written by Chiara Ferrau and the incredible Ennio Morricone for the movie “The Mission”.

The translation shows how perfect it is for what I am wishing for now…

In my imagination (nella fantasia) I see a fair world,

Everyone lives in peace and in honesty there.

I dream of souls that are always free,

Like the clouds that fly,

Full of humanity in the depths of the soul.

In my imagination I see a bright world,

Even the night is less dark there.

I dream of souls that are always free,

Like clouds that fly.

In my imagination there exists a warm wind,

That breathes on the cities, like a friend.

I dream of souls that are always free,

Like clouds that fly,

Full of humanity in the depths of the soul.

I was born in post war America. The country was putting itself back together. Patriotism, security, peace and family were foremost in everyone’s mind. Those who had tasted the bitterness of a world at war worked hard to establish peace. Oh that we could only have a fair world where everyone lives in peace and in honesty today. What can I do?  What can we do?

 The Dalai Lama is quoted as saying: “The Planet does not need more successful people, the planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kind."

And we only need to look as far as John Lennon who takes it it a step further by saying “Peace is not something you wish for; it’s something you make, something you do, something you are and something you give away".

That I can do. I'll start by sharing this beautiful and peaceful song....

The Worth of a Soul

I arrived at a point today when I inadvertently took upon myself the heavy burden of comparison.  Without realizing it my mind established and then without question confirmed that I was not as talented as this person, as successful as that person, as experienced, humble or wise as another. I was neither as healthy, as educated, as fun nor articulate as that person over there nor am I as compassionate or capable as the person down the street. Once begun, the spiral of comparison was taking me down to a place that puts out a welcome mat for those who think they are somehow less deserving, less important and without significance. 

I’m tired I thought.

But I needed to take the trash can out and bring in the mail. Even lowly me could handle that!

The evenings are chilly now and the sun was just going down so I put on a light coat and wheeled the garbage out to the street.  My eye caught the flight of a small bird overhead.

A clear voice spoke to my woeful mind…”Does the Lord love the mighty eagle more than he loves a little chickadee?”

I stopped in my tracks.

I heard….”Does the Lord love a wild stallion more than he loves a blue butterfly?”

I picked up my step and picked up on the game….adding my own thoughts now…Does the Lord love the turbulent oceans more than he loves the gentle brook? Does the Lord love a powerful king more than he loves a helpless child?...... Does the Lord love the accomplished neighbor down the street more than he loves me?… And there it was.

Truth

The Lord knows me and He loves me for what I do.  He knows the neighbor and He loves her for what she does.  He loves the eagle and he loves the chickadee. He doesn’t expect the chickadee to be an eagle and he doesn’t expect the eagle to be a chickadee.  We all serve a purpose if we all serve Him.

Joy replaced the dismal thoughts and I walked with a lighter step to retrieve the mail.

Inside the mailbox I find an overstuffed envelope addressed simply to “Grandma” .  Once back inside the kitchen I eagerly open the letter to find two paper airplanes an origami boat and an origami hat folded using blue lined school paper.  Each with the words (written in the hand of a 7 year old boy) “I LOVE YOU”.

What value can be placed on someone who is loved by the Lord and loved by her family!

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf  was right when he said,  “The Lord uses a scale very different from the world’s to weigh the worth of a soul”

When I climb into bed tonight, even though I didn’t conquer the world, I gave my widow’s mite so I’ll be able to pull up the covers, click off the light and say “I did what I could today and I am loved. “

And...I’m grateful the Lord created eagles AND chickadees.

Fear Not

I watch from afar as so much of our country is recovering from the massive hurricanes that ravaged their homes and communities these last few weeks. I cry for their suffering, I marvel at their strength. And for those who were fortunate enough to still have homes standing...I watch them reaching out and working hard to help those who lost more.  It was Harry S. Truman who said...

This is being personified all across the Houston area and now in Florida and the surrounding areas as they need that same help. People helping people, calming the fears as clean up continues. Lives are being reshaped by both those in need and for those giving aid.  I truly stand all amazed and I'm humbled.

The truth is, it isn't just their problem, it's our problem. Because in America...United we stand. I bemoaned the fact that I can do nothing more than a widow's mite and my good son who lives in that storm tossed and drenched part of our country reminded me that not everyone can do everything but everyone can do something.

I encourage everyone who reads this to do whatever they can sincerely do, determined to do the job at hand even if it's but a widow's mite in comparison to those who can give more.

As The World Groans

The world is in chaos as I write this. Earthquakes, fire, hurricanes and tornados are ravaging the earth like never before.

I have observed through my long life of living through times of major earthquakes, devastating floods, droughts, wars and air pollution that after all the devastation the one thing that remains is hope!  Even if it’s just a whisper, it never seems to leave us and as Emily Dickinson contemplated, hope never even asks for a crumb as payment in return.  I am drawn to her poem “Hope is the Thing With Feathers” today.

“Hope” is the Thing With Feathers

     By EMILY DICKINSON

“Hope” is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words

And never stops at all.

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

It was M. Russell Ballard who said “Hope grows out of faith and gives meaning and purpose to all that we do. It can give us comfort in the face of adversity, strength in times of trial, and peace when there is every reason for doubt and anguish.”

Sometimes, our hope is like the engineer that keeps us on track!  Gordon B. Hinckley reminisced:

“Long ago I worked for one of our railroads whose tracks threaded the passes through these western mountains. I frequently rode the trains. It was in the days when there were steam locomotives. Those great monsters of the rails were huge and fast and dangerous. I often wondered how the engineer dared the long journey through the night. Then I came to realize that it was not one long journey, but rather a constant continuation of a short journey. The engine had a powerful headlight that made bright the way for a distance of 400 or 500 yards. The engineer saw only that distance, and that was enough, because it was constantly before him all through the night into the dawn of the new day.”

Hope is right there urging us through this if we allow it right?  Many years ago I came upon this thought by an unknown author; “Real hope keeps us “anxiously engaged” in good causes even when these appear to be losing causes on the mortal scoreboard.  Likewise, real hope is much more than wishful musing. It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine."

So as I watch and listen to what is happening in the world right now ~ be it natural disasters or man- made disasters I am doing all that I can to keep hope alive…so as not to let the many storms “abash the little bird that has kept me warm” many times before, that little feather of hope that perches resolutely in my soul.

Thomas S. Monson coached us in how to nurture this hope when he said: 

“Gaze Upward, Look Inward, Reach Outward, and Press Forward”.

Where is Heaven?

My grandmother was a young woman living as a missionary in Toronto Canada in the latter part of 1921 when she clipped an article from the local morning newspaper and tucked it into her scriptures.

Going through a box of her things the other day I came upon the article. The paper had become softened and brown with age but the message was still oh so clear and beautiful.

The name of the good soul who penned the article was not saved along with the clipping so I’ll have to resort to saying “anonymous” for the credit.

Where is Heaven?

A story of a famous American preacher is published in Great Thoughts. It contains no little truth. The question, “Where is Heaven?” was put to Sam Jones by one of his wealthy church members in Georgia, whose cotton crop yielded him some thirty thousand dollars the last year. “Where is heaven?” said the rich planter. “I’ll tell you where heaven is,” said Mr. Jones, “if you will go down to the village and buy fifty dollars’ worth of groceries, put them in a wagon, and take them to that poor widow on the hillside, who has three of her children sick. She is poor and is a member of the church. Take with you a nurse and someone to cook their meals. When you get there, read the 23^rd Psalm and kneel by her side and pray. Then you will find out where heaven is.”

Next day, as the preacher was walking through the village, he met the same wealthy planter, his face beaming with joy. He spoke after his manner; “Mr. Jones, I’ve found out where heaven is. I went as you directed me. We took up the wagon load of groceries and the poor widow was completely overcome with joy. She could not express her thankfulness. As I read to her the 23^rd Psalm, my heart was filled with thankfulness to God; and when I prayed the angels came, and I thought I was nearer to heaven than I had ever been in my life. I left the nurse and cook in her humble dwelling and promised her she should never suffer so long as I could help her.”

John H. Groberg said (and anyone who has seen the movie based on his life, The Other Side of Heaven, would surely agree that he can say with true conviction)….."Never underestimate the power of true love, for it knows no barriers. When filled with God’s love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us."

And it seems the perfect summary comes in the wise words of Thomas S. Monson:

“It is an immutable law that the more you give away, the more you receive. You make a living by what you get, but you make a life by what you give.”

The Shakespeare Diet

I wonder when Shakespeare penned the words for Hamlet to utter….

Refrain to-night;

And that shall lend a kind of easiness

To the next abstinence, the next more easy;

For use almost can change the stamp of nature,

And either master the devil or throw him out

With wondrous potency.

….if he knew that he would be speaking to the modern day woman starting yet another diet!

Refrain so that there is a kind of easiness to the next abstinence?  

I suppose Ralph Waldo Emerson’s mentor-like words…“That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased.”…should apply to the determined dieter as well don't you agree?

Does every “NO I WON’T HAVE THAT” lead to an easier “NO I WON’T HAVE THAT” later in the day? Perhaps each little victory is not a stand-alone deal but a building block added onto our internal fire-wall that protects us from temptation and allows us to move on down the narrow path to self mastery.

I needed to hear James E. Faust's words that “Self-Mastery is the ultimate test of our character.”

A reminder that self care is not a matter of self indulgence but self respect. So, onward brave dieters! Let's quote the bard and “Master the devil or throw him out.”

The dam wall

“I think a badger dug a hole, and the water soaked through; it didn't go over the top.  They said there was two or three badger holes in the dam that was left.  That's what started it, a badger dug a hole in it.  There was little streams of water coming out.  I rode over a little further.  I knew it would go out.  I could see it was starting to crumble”.

I was doing a google search this morning and came upon this totally unrelated interview conducted by Oren Jones in 1987 with Arthur Williams who was remembering when the Deep Creek Dam washed out, in the spring of 1907, or 1908.

I immediately felt akin to Mr Williams when he realized that this was a serious condition and he needed to do something!

His reaction was to run and warn everyone down stream that a flood was coming!

Forest fires have been blazing in remote areas surrounding my town for days now. The smoke is thick and I am sequestering myself at home with the air filters on high and my head throbbing-throbbing-throbbing.  It gives me time to think.

But alas, my thoughts turn to “Oh Woe is me”.  And there…right there is the metaphorical badger.  Digging a hole in the protective psychological wall I’ve built to safeguard myself from floods of negative emotions. Tears begin to flow and I realize that if I allow myself to linger long in those thoughts, all that will be left in my barricade will be two or three badger holes. I know "it will go out" if I don’t do something.

I could do the same as Arthur Williams and warn everyone that a flood is coming…but hmmmm the same amount of energy I’d use for that could be better utilized in bringing out my old tried and true tool kit that holds powerful patches like…..

 AND…..

 

And…

And...

And...

And…

And....

And suddenly!  Ta Dah!....

Moving on with my day!  Whew....

Weakness takes a lot of energy

While I work on my book....I want to share encouraging words from other writers that I find to be powerful and uplifting.  I heard this just this morning and it was exactly what I needed today...this very day.  Weakness takes so much energy - Choose Strength!

Lloyd Newell - The Spoken Word

Choosing Strength

You are stronger than you may think. It’s easy to forget that in the midst of life’s storms, when adversity leaves us feeling shaken and weak. But a tree that bends in the wind is not necessarily weak. Just as the unseen roots deep below the ground give the tree its stability, we too have strength that can be hidden even to ourselves. In fact, it often reveals itself only in times of challenge.

Still, it takes a lot of energy to stand upright in a storm, and we might wonder if we have what it takes. But actually, as one writer said: “It [also] takes a lot of emotional energy to be weak. To be miserable and sad and . . . discouraged and fearful takes a lot of work. Think of all the emotional energy that goes into those choices. . . . Now consider how much emotional energy it takes to be strong. It takes effort to be strong and courageous and positive and brave, but . . . it takes less energy than choosing to be weak.”¹

So if our emotional energy is limited, why would we waste any of it indulging in negative emotions or discouraging thoughts? Why not dedicate whatever energy we have, even if it doesn’t seem like much, to choosing strength?

Although each situation and each person’s life is unique, it helps to look at examples of those who—little by little, a day at a time—choose strength and determination. Perhaps it’s a mother who learned to love and nurture, despite growing up in a home where she did not enjoy much love or nurturing. Or maybe it’s a father who did his best to find work—and then worked hard—even with less-than-ideal employment prospects. You might know someone who, as a youth, was rejected by her peers but as an adult has become especially compassionate toward those who are overlooked. Or perhaps you know of a teenager who was cut from a high school sports team but continued to try out year after year, until finally he was made team manager. They all discovered, during their personal storms, a source of strength available to all of us—the emotional energy to choose to be strong.

1. Merrilee Boyack, In Trying Times, Just Keep Trying, Deseret Book, 2010, 29

Wings of a Butterfly

Much Ado About Nothing

There seems to be a time built into summer that calls for doing nothing. 

Perhaps it’s the heat; perhaps it’s a required pause in our over indulgence in working hard to get ahead, or perhaps it’s a way to reset mentally, physically and emotionally.  Not unlike my computer that works so beautifully for me...day and night working-working-working until things start going all awry and I discover the solution is to reboot. To just “power down” and allow it do nothing for a minute, restart it and voila! Refreshed, reinvigorated, ready to go again with things back in order.

My mother, a violinist, used to always say that in the musical score there are a variety of directives weaving through a melody that make it beautiful and the Rest sign is as important to the success of the composition as any other. A musical score devoid of “Rests” is frenetic and unpleasing. And so it should be with our life, she would say.

I think of my grandfather, a wheat farmer.  How very hard he would work to prepare and plant his fields, weed and water and then there came the time in summer when he must do nothing.  A respite before the green shafts of wheat turn to gold and harvesting begins. A built in time for the fields AND the farmer to rest.

So what do we do? We head for the beach or for the lake-shore or for a mountain stream or for the pool or maybe even just climb into the tub. Perhaps these are ways to cool off from the heat of the relentless rays of the sun but really isn’t it a joy to have it be OK to do nothing? Allowing ourselves to be drawn to a place of relaxation, rest and tranquility where we metaphorically reboot our systems by giving us the chance to feel the beauty (and power) of the “Rest” in our life’s song?

The majority of the people I talk to can sum up their daily lives in the one statement, the one I hear over and over again, “I’m so Busy!” 

I’m not as busy as I used to be when I had children and a job and a big home to manage but my mind still runs at a busy pace.  It was Shakespeare who wisely said, “The earth has music for those who listen.”  And it would seem that to be able to listen, we need to rest.

Perhaps I’m making much ado about nothing or perhaps nothing is one of the most important things we can do.

Blue Prints

Yesterday I read about a widow who fell asleep one night and dreamed she was in the spirit world, and in the dream her husband who had died many years before had taken her by the hand and showed her the home he had been preparing for her.  She felt such joy but when she awakened still earthbound, she was inconsolable and as her tears fell heavily she could just whimper “Why did I have to come back!”  She wondered what it was that she still needed to do on earth to be able to be with him again and live in that new home.

Then, last night I came upon a journal entry Dale made many years ago about what it meant to him to plan and build the home near the mountain that we had built together.  How it truly felt like home to him even with all of the burdens that came along with the building process. He ended by saying that home could only be a place that we shared together.

And then today, just now…when I decided to organize some files in an overcrowded file drawer. I ran my finger across a file label on a faded green hanging file that read “Blueprints”.  Inside were the blueprints to that very home Dale was writing about, the one that we built with blood sweat and tears. I didn’t know the plans still existed. I spread them out on the table, like I had done so many times before during the building process nearly thirty years ago.  Home.

Is Dale standing looking at a blueprint now for a heavenly home?

And is there a life blueprint that I should be looking at for the time I have left on earth?  Is there some big project that I need to be working on?  But then….I am all too aware that I can’t…simply can’t do anything that would even register on the scale as being “big” as there seems to be too many human burdens that make my offerings seem…well, so very small. Oh dear, what’s the plan?

I find a quote by Jeffrey Holland:

All (but a prophetic few) must go about God’s work in very quiet, very unspectacular ways. And as you labor to know him, and to know that he knows you; as you invest your time—and your convenience—in quiet, unassuming service, you will indeed find that ‘he shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up’ (Matthew 4:6). It may not come quickly. It probably won’t come quickly, but there is purpose in the time it takes. Cherish your spiritual burdens because God will converse with you through them and will use you to do his work if you carry them well.”

And....that's a good plan.  I refold the blueprint for the house, tuck it away in the file and I'll go on contented now with my plan for today.

The I.Q.Test

I found myself last night at 11:55 pm standing in front of the open refrigerator, the only radiance in the room coming from the glow of the little bulb in the fridge that cast a light on… nothing fun to eat. "Why bother", I groan, and close the door. Closed it a bit too swiftly I must admit as papers of all sizes, that had moments before been held to the outside of the door by a cute butterfly magnet, fluttered to the floor. Rolling my eyes in the dark, I blindly reached for and found the light switch on the wall.  I was suddenly aware of how silly it is - why do we post things onto the door of the fridge when the outside of the door is rarely what you stand and look at.  Inside yes, outside…not so much.

Lately I have felt myself being drawn into the swirling abyss that can only be identified as the “What does it matter anyway” place. The things leading me there are uninvited thoughts that weasel their way into my sub-conscience mind. Thoughts like….”It’s just too hard”  “It’s not worth the effort”  “Nothing ever changes” “Who cares!” “I’m miserable and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired “and “Life would just be easier if I had the answers! Is that asking too much?”  Hence the late night attempt to find comfort in the form of a midnight snack.

But there had been nothing in the fridge that would have filled the void so I picked up the scattered notes on the floor, sat down at the kitchen counter and started reading.  They are slips of paper that I have positioned on that stainless steel door over the last few months. As I began to read one after another I noticed a theme….

“Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful” – Joshua J. Marine

“Don’t be pushed by your problems – Be led by your dreams” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The harder you work the something, the greater you feel when you achieve it” – anon

“I will go forward. I will smile at the rage of the tempest, and ride fearlessly and triumphantly across the boisterous ocean of circumstance.” – Eliza R. Snow

“Keep loving.  Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow and forever” – Jeffrey Holland

“We talk about our trials and troubles here in this life; but suppose that you could see yourselves thousands and millions of years after you have proved faithful during the few short years in this time, and have obtained eternal salvation in the presence of God? Then look back upon your lives here, and see the losses, crosses, and disappointments, the sorrows…; you would be constrained to exclaim, ‘but what of all that? Those things were but for a moment, and we are now here.  We have been faithful during a few moments in our mortality, and now we enjoy eternal life and glory, with power to progress in all the boundless knowledge and through the countless stages of progression enjoying the smiles of approbation of our Father and God, and of Jesus Christ our elder brother.’” – Brigham Young

“We all have trials to face – at times, very difficult trials. We know how the Lord allows us to go through trials in order for us to be polished and perfected so we can be with Him forever.” – Henry B. Eyring

These wonderful, powerful reminders had brought me strength over the weeks and I wanted to remember them so as they were each discovered and read and as they did their job of inspiring me… I had printed them out, cut them to size and added them to the would-be-proclaimer of everything wise – the refrigerator door. But right then, at 12:05 am I was feeling ordinary and human, overwhelmed and dare I say…even a bit indifferent to it all. The comfort I needed would best be found in well let me see…a bowl of rocky road ice-cream would probably do!

Realizing that no miracle was going to make a carton of ice-cream appear in my freezer I decided to go sit at my computer and see if I could find anything to distract my woeful mood.

My eye glimpsed a faded cream colored pamphlet at the edge of my desk.  It was an I.Q. Test. One that I recently found among Dale’s things.  One he purchased decades ago for (and the price tag was still on it) $1.00.  There are many who purchase cross-word puzzles for brain teasing entertainment…Dale always purchased I.Q tests. He enjoyed the challenge.

In our very first year of marriage while looking for a better job, he set an appointment with a large employer; received a date and time to come for an interview;  journeyed to the large home office in LA and sought the employment center.  He was handed an application packet and led to a testing room.  Answering question after question about his personal and business self he was relieved that the next part of the process was an I.Q. test.  “Oh good”, he thought, “This will be fun.” But as he started he quickly realized that the test was one that he had recently purchased, (this cream colored one that is on my desk now). He easily remembered every answer, literally breezed through it and continued on to the rest of the application. In the comment box at the end he divulged that he had taken that I.Q. Test previously so he knew the answers beforehand.  He finished with his signature. Put everything back into the large envelope and handed it to the lady at the desk who said they would be in touch.

A few days later he received a call.  He got the job!  With great enthusiasm he was told that no one had ever before scored 100% on that I.Q. test, he was a genius and they wanted him to work for them! Evidently in their excitement over the test results they hadn’t read his comment at the end.

But their praise had a hollow ring to it. He knew it didn’t prove that he was the genius they were looking for. He knew the answers beforehand and so that accomplishment and their high praises were meaningless to him.

Hmmmm, I start to think… If I already knew the answers to these challenges I face, would it all be less meaningful to me? Would this test of life prove nothing?

If I didn’t have challenges or even worse, if I were to be indifferent to them, would I just be like that pre-programmed Go-Bot that my kids used to play with?  They’d turn it on, put it on the floor and it would go until it hit a wall, flip over and move on until it hit another wall, flip over and well…wash - rinse and repeat!  It was funny to watch but it never ever accomplished anything.

But “Oh” I moan, “It just takes so much effort to tackle the problems!”  And then the old story that I have often repeated of the first Olympics of modern times popped into my memory.

Author Jim Reisler’s interview with the History channel tells it best:

The athletes for the first modern Olympics that were held in Athens Greece in 1896 weren’t really chosen at all. One of the remarkable things about these first U.S. Olympians is how they were thrown together—comprised mostly of a group from Boston, and another group from Princeton. Most of the Bostonians were members of the Boston Athletic Association—the same organization that puts together the Boston Marathon—whose members took up a collection to send their athletes, several of whom were Harvard students, to Athens. Passage for the foursome from Princeton was paid for by Alice Whitridge Garrett, whose son, Robert, was the school’s track captain and would earn Olympic championships in discus and shot put. There were no U.S. trials or qualifiers: Those who could go did so. 

Every Olympic competition is dramatic, but Robert Garrett’s victory in the discus was downright extraordinary. Discus wasn’t a part of U.S. track and field in those days, and Garrett had never even seen or touched one. To prepare, he asked Princeton classics professor and team advisor William Milligan Sloane if he knew anything about the discus.

Sloane’s knowledge extended only as far as those striking ancient statues in museums of athletic young men coiled and ready to unleash the discus. He suggested that Garrett find an image of one of the statues and use it so a local shop could develop a discus, or something close to it. Garrett’s homemade discus was made of stone and weighed nearly 25 pounds. Although he could barely lift it, [he practiced and practiced, getting stronger and throwing it further and further].

So imagine Garrett’s surprise when he got to Athens and was working out at the stadium where he was given a regulation discus, it was much smaller in size and weighed just 4 ½ pounds. He took some practice throws and figured “what the heck”—he would enter anyway. The story of how he triumphed—adjusting his motion, speed and release as he went along, and easily surpassing the rest of the field on his sixth and final [gold medal] turn—is one for the ages.

So...perhaps actually working on these challenges of mine is in fact building strength for a purpose and not just incessantly batting down the foes?  But..and here comes my humanness…it would just be so much easier if I could somehow avoid them! Whimper whimper. And wouldn’t you know…another memory.  From a book, where is it?

My brother-in-law gave it to me. There it is…”This Life is a Test” by Ted Gibbons.  I remember a quote in that book about indifference; it’s by the humanitarian Elie Weisel:

“Indifference to me is the epitome of evil. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. The opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference. Because of indifference, one dies before he actually dies.”

And so I’ve learned three things in these early morning hours:

1. All of these challenges are not bad things being hurled at me with reckless abandon but opportunities to strengthen and build abilities and knowledge; physically, mentally and spiritually. 
2. If I knew all of the answers beforehand my accomplishments would be meaningless. 
3. Avoiding the challenges by becoming indifferent would be a death before death. Stopping life’s purpose mid-test.

I heard a DJ on the radio on Independence Day say:

“Freedom is not being able to just do whatever we want; it’s the ability to choose what is right.”   

         

And then I reach for and read one more thought that had been on the refrigerator door…

“The prophet Abraham found favor in the sight of the Lord. He was given the assurance that he was a great and noble intelligence before coming to this earth. He learned that the earth was created as a place for the intelligences to dwell after their birth as mortal beings. Here they would be tested and tried to see if they would do all things that the Lord God would command them to do. Earth life would thus become a testing ground. It was not intended that the earthly road would be smooth, nor would the path be easy.”

-  Henry D. Taylor (A time of Testing)

OK, lesson learned, that was the comfort that I needed and so much better than a late-night snack…I turn off the computer, walk past the kitchen and smile at the fridge, head to the bedroom and climb back into bed.

The Bucket List

It is interesting, isn’t it, that a person comes to this earth as a tiny helpless human being; just one minuscule somebody joining the billions of people who live here now and who have lived here before…and yet she is aware from very early on that she is a one-of-a-kind, unique individual who is a separate, stand-alone “Me” And then she spends the rest of her life trying to figure out just who that “Me” really is.  

We each seem to carry an exclusive agenda and we discover as time goes by that we have miraculously been given talents or abilities to engage that very distinctive agenda.

Truman G. Madsen in his book Eternal Man refers to this quote that rings true to me:

What did the Master recommend? – These strange sentences about “becoming as a little child”? …Maybe he was saying that a child has swift, untinctured affinity and response to his own burning deeps. He is exemplary not, as if so often said, in vulnerable readiness to believe others’ voices, but in soul-unity that prevents disbelief of his own. He has a whole, happy, healthy relationship with the core of creativity and spirituality which is his glory-laden spirit.

I sat in a restaurant the other day and observed the individuals at the tables around me. I could see a table of fire fighters intent on their meal, and at another table sat several young mothers with more children than I could count, due to the fact that some were under the table and some were getting straws and some were asleep in strollers.  In the corner an elderly man read a book next to a table of teenagers each texting on their individual iPhones. It occurred to me more than ever before as I studied the scene and then the individuals in it, that we all really do have a unique purpose, our own reason for living; even if we naturally gravitate toward groups of individuals with similar agendas.

These thoughts came as an aftermath of me thinking that perhaps; just perhaps it’s time to create a bucket list.  I pulled a journal from the bookcase with lots of blank pages that I had purchased a few years ago. Flipping through it I saw that it remained a book of blank pages so I opened it to the first page, picked up a pencil and wrote “Bucket List”.  Ok, decision number one…perhaps I shouldn’t write in pencil! Too easily erased.  So I put down the pencil and reached for a pen; still not the commitment I wish to make….I reached instead for the black Sharpie and wrote darkly over the penciled letters…

BUCKET LIST

It is a different list than I would have made as a child, or as a teenager, a young woman or even as a mother. Things are different now from this vantage point. My goal now is to accomplish everything that would make me look back at life and say…I understand now who I am.  

I’m amazed because I’m not feeling the need to scrawl onto the list statements like…”Explore an unknown land” or “become this” or “succeed at that” but it’s more like an awareness of what Rusty Rustenbach pondered, “Day-by-day as we listen, He’s calling into being facets of our design, character, and destiny that were previously absent or missing. He’s calling you into being all and everything He had in mind before you were even born.”  And with that in mind it seems that I can easily list those things that still feel lacking, things that I can actually do. I'm intrigued by the fact that it's less about me and more about what I still have left to do for others.

.

I create a thoughtful list and then I count. There are 16. Doesn’t seem like much and yet I’m overwhelmed with the task at hand. I do perceive however, that there is a central important purpose.

In a talk many years ago Thomas S. Monson said:

Robert Woodruff, an executive in a former generation, traversed America with a message which he delivered to civic and business groups. The outline was simple, the message brief:

• The five most important words are these: I am proud of you.
• The four most important words are these: What is your opinion?
• The three most important words are these: If you please.
• The two most important words are these: Thank you.

 To Mr. Woodruff’s list I would add, “The single most important word is love.”

When I realize that the activating key to each of these 16 things is love, I see it also as a unifying thread connecting them and I must use my talents, (that still need development) to give of that love and accomplish each goal. 

I think of the story of the orphan who would throw notes over the orphanage wall with the handwritten words “Whoever finds this…I love you.”  I'm reminded again that the need to give love is as powerful as the need to be loved.  And that only by tackling my bucket list using my talents and abilities with love being the base purpose will I become more like the person God designed me to be and more closely fulfill my earthly agenda.

But…even so, it’s an overwhelming list and truth be told a little disappointing in its lack of grandness.  But then I'm reminded of that Mother Teresa saying…what was it? I look it up:

And then this old story (a favorite that bears repeating) about the starfish, attributed to Loren Eisley:

I awoke early, as I often did, just before sunrise to walk by the ocean's edge and greet the new day. As I moved through the misty dawn, I focused on a faint, far away motion. I saw a youth, bending and reaching and flailing arms, dancing on the beach, no doubt in celebration of the perfect day soon to begin.

As I approached, I sadly realized that the youth was not dancing to the bay, but rather bending to sift through the debris left by the night's tide, stopping now and then to pick up a starfish and then standing, to heave it back into the sea. I asked the youth the purpose of the effort. "The tide has washed the starfish onto the beach and they cannot return to the sea by themselves," the youth replied. "When the sun rises, they will die, unless I throw them back to the sea."

As the youth explained, I surveyed the vast expanse of beach, stretching in both directions beyond my sight. Starfish littered the shore in numbers beyond calculation. The hopelessness of the youth's plan became clear to me and I countered, "But there are more starfish on this beach than you can ever save before the sun is up. Surely you cannot expect to make a difference."

The youth paused briefly to consider my words, bent to pick up a starfish and threw it as far as possible. Turning to me he simply said, "I made a difference to that one." 

This final bucket list, this last stage of my earth’s agenda will not be a grand adventure or determine just how much fun I can have but I feel a sense of freedom in hoping to find joy in accomplishing some things that only I can do using my own unique talents in the hope of discovering more about me, sharing my love and making a difference even if it's just to one. And I'm comfortable with that agenda.

“Faith is the bucket of power lowered by the rope of prayer into the well of God’s abundance. What we bring up depends upon what we let down. We have every encouragement to use a big bucket.” 

- Virginia Whitman