Just Be Held

Friday was a bad day. The buyer of the home of my buyer is trying to bail which means my house may not be sold after all and may have to go back on the market Monday.  I feel the stress pounding over me like wave after wave of an angry storm and there is literally nothing that I can do about it.  I feel helpless, weary and confused.


But early this morning (Sunday) I remembered another song my son had sent to me and I have listened to it over and over and now I know that I need to just let go and be held.  I can't concentrate on the storm.  Tomorrow I will know more and there will be things I'll have to do and I also know that in time I'll understand why this is all happening to me but for today...I just want to be held:

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go.

By Casting Crowns

Here's a link if you would like to listen to it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxLoRuQiy1g

La Mer

Well I did it.  A year and 2 months a widow and my home, that has been languishing on the market, finally sold. I lowered the price, more than I ever thought I would or could, but it’s done and I’m very ready to turn the last page of this chapter of my life’s story and start a new chapter, the one with me in a different place that I can call home.

I moved to the lake.  I want a little cottage that I can decorate in white washed wood and soft French blue. A cozy place for one, where I can set up a studio to paint and to write and wrap myself up in a comfy Irish knit throw in an overstuffed chair and sip hot chocolate while I read a good book. First though, I have to find that place.  And to my rescue come my dear sweet sister and brother-in-law who have invited me to stay in their lovely home by the lake until I find my cottage and while things like finances, taxes and filtering through things to store and to give away and to keep or donate have settled and I can gain a solid footing.  I don’t have a clue how I can thank them for their generosity and unconditional kindness. 

I can actually sleep in their home -the whole night through – restorative peaceful sleep.  That’s something I never thought I would be able to do again.  But there is life here, happy – busy - productive life.  And it’s nourishing to me.

I walked down to the shore the other morning.  I stood alone and listened to the peaceful lap lap lap of the small waves bringing crystal clear water to the sand. It’s still much too cold but oh how I wanted to step out into that pristine water and let the clarity of it wash over my tired feet and clear my mind that has been so filled with the emotions and worries of the past year.  But then I looked up and the view of the distant bay over the water with the sail boats safely docked and the seagulls gliding peacefully with the soft blue water below them and the gentle white clouds above and it morphed in my mind to a dream that I had repeatedly each night for about 4 months before Dale died.  I didn’t know then what it meant but it never occurred to me that he was dying and I would be alone...

I was on the white porch of a precious white cottage by the bay, happily painting a seashore scene in muted shades of blue and cream.  What I saw and what I painted was much like the view I was seeing at the shore now.  And then I saw a man in the distance walking along the sand and as he got closer I could see it was Dale, he was barefoot, dressed in pale blue jeans and a light blue denim shirt.  He was young and fit and happy and came for a visit.  Inside my cottage the furnishings were white - accented with carefully chosen seashells and white starfish.  I was happy there and content - my heart felt cradled.

And as I stood there surrounded by the real life scene a tune emerged from the back of my mind - A song that I had often begged Dale to sing to me in the French language that he loved so very much:

La mer, Qu’on voit danser le long des golfes clairs….

(translation)
The sea, seen dancing along the clear bays. A silver highlights the sea, changing reflections in the rain.
The sea, in the summer sky merges white sheep with angels so pure. The shepherdess’ azure sea – infinite.
See, near the ponds the big wet reeds, see the white birds and the rusty houses.
The sea has cradled them along the shores of clear bays and with a love song -  the sea has cradled my heart for life.

And so I begin again, a fresh start in a new place. Even though I have been painfully, infinitely, indescribably alone, where there have been days that I try out my voice to see if it’s still there and my ears almost hurt from the silence, the journey here has not been alone.  Angels on both sides of the veil have given me guidance, comfort, support and love and I am so very blessed. 

"La Mer" - lyrics and music by Charles Trenet.  I love most the version sung by Kevin Klein from the movie soundtrack "French Kiss".