I came upon a photo today that I had taken of Dale in Italy. He was leaning back in a bistro chair sitting at an outdoor bistro table in front of a trattoria in a charmingly rustic neighborhood in Lucca. His face is relaxed and looking heavenward as he absorbs the early spring sunshine. He is happy to be there, happy to be with me, happy with life. I want to kiss the photo! I want to hold it up against my heart. It makes me happy!
My mind journeys to that moment and how it came to be. I remember a journal entry I had made while sitting at a table on the terrace of our Florence apartment. Suddenly feeling the need to remember every detail, I look it up...I called it....
Midlife Chrysalis
♣♣♣
Peeking around the green leaves of a blue hydrangea, a young
and healthy caterpillar heads out into the wide and marvelous world to explore.
Her eyes are filled with wonder envisioning the endless possibilities of things
to see and do. Eventually though, being both intelligent and practical, she
settles into the important things in life and gets to work, munching and
toiling her way towards building her dream home. Ever aware of the dangers of swooping
adversaries, she employs her wit and intuition, and begins spinning and weaving
silken strands of thread into a cozy, cradling home. She works with joy and dedication, until, she
takes one last look at the outside world, spins the last thread around her head
and closes her eyes to rest. It is warm
and peaceful and she is tired and happy. Contented, she sighs; “That will do.”
And then, a voice, sweet and so soft as to be nearly silent,
whispers, “But there’s more”.
♣♣♣
I sit at my kitchen table and scan the elements that make up
my earthly kingdom. Polished and gleaming, the fully stocked kitchen makes an
attempt to beckon me to try a new recipe. But I ignore that and instead, tilt
my head to spy around the large Italian-style fruit arrangement on the table to
check the blaze in the family room fireplace.
I approve of its crackling flames assured now that it is sending gray
tendrils of lazy smoke up the chimney and out into the mountain air. The view from the window nearby displays the
mountain peaks draped in frocks of glittering snow. I’ve worked hard to build this dream
life. My husband of thirty-three years
is in far off Canada
on business, but will be home tomorrow.
He swept me off my feet when I was eighteen years old and the ride has
been an exhilarating one. Kindred
spirits from the start we had the same dreams and looked at the wide, wide
world with even wider-eyed wonder. But
first, we must eat. So work, work, work.
And then enter the children. Oh the
children! Two boys. Two little people, who each, at the moment of
their own births, make their way into our hearts and teach us that love actually
multiplies to the second power. Through the years we find better jobs, build
bigger houses, cheer from the grandstands at baseball games and wave goodbye to
little scouts heading out for day camp. We see them go to the university and
watch them fall in love with their dream girls.
I cry happy tears at their beautiful weddings and then, just today, my
very own, perfect in every way, grandson looked into my eyes with his own
crystal blue ones and said, “I love you Gwama”.
I pull the turtle-neck of my cozy cashmere sweater up to my chin and with
contentment, I sigh, “That will do!”
And then, a voice, sweet and soft as to be nearly silent,
whispers, “But there’s more.”
My cell phone rings and then rings again before it jolts me
back to reality. I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hands and click it
on.
“Hello?” I say in forced cheerfulness.
“You’re crying!” my husband knows me far to well!
“No, just day-dreaming, what’s up?”
“Pack your bags!” he says.
“Oh, Dale, it’s a bit cold in Toronto right now isn’t it?” I moan.
“No, not to Canada ! You’re going to Florence
Italy .”
I’m shocked into silence.
A rarity it seems as he is compelled to ask, “Hey are you still there?”
“Yes, I mean I think so, I mean…huh?” I attempt to make sense of his words as I try
to speak.
He explains, “I just saw a documentary on TV about an art
school in Florence Italy . It’s perfect for you! And I’m sending you there!”
“Oh I couldn’t, I just couldn’t…could I?” I ramble
on…more like myself now.
“You’ll have to send some photos of your work and apply.” He
instructed.
“Oh there’s the glitch!” I sigh and feel my heart sink from
the height it had just soared.
“No, take pictures of your drawings. You can do this.” He
persisted. “You’ve spent all these years working in my business, raising the
boys, putting everyone else first and now it’s your turn, I want you to do
this”.
With his voice cheering me on through the cell phone, I made
my way up the stairs to my studio/sewing room/craft room/computer room and
gazed at the drawings pin-tacked to the wall.
Figure drawings I had done years ago.
“I’ll do it!” I said. “I WILL DO
IT!” He gave me the web site address and
hung up, first reminding me of his arrival time the next morning.
The next moments were more like a child trying to jump into
a swimming pool for the first time instead of a middle-aged adult woman. Step to the edge, back away, try to gain
courage, realize you don’t have any. You
really want to…you don’t want to at all. Leave the security of the solid
ground and jump into the unknown? Am I
crazy? Yes! I decide….Yes, I am! And I grab my digital camera and take the
plunge, I snap picture after picture of my work. Several, 8x10 glossies later…I download the
application from the internet, fill it out in a shaking hand and seal it all in
a priority envelope. Done.
At just what precise moment a caterpillar begins to realize
that her chrysalis stage is nearly over and a metamorphosis is approaching, I
don’t know. But this moment was
mine. The silken cocoon, which I had
woven around me with love and earnest, was starting to feel a bit tight for my emerging
wings. Wings I hadn’t allowed myself to
believe I had!
I thought we would live forever, I thought for sure that Dale would always be by my side. If I had known then that 10 years later he would be gone...would I have believed it? I couldn't have imagined that I would climb back into that cocoon and have to...albeit reluctantly, force my way out of it and spread my wings once again.
Life is certainly a journey and I see more and more how important it is to value every step along the way. I'm reminded of a thoughtful moment in my mother's later years when she, in all her wisdom, sighed and told me, "You know...Time goes by without you realizing you're having the time of your life."
So for what it's worth, and it's worth a lot. This, right now, right here... is the time of my life and I'm going to make sure that through the ups and downs, I enjoy it.
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