Settle Down

A few weeks after Dale died I received a very kind email from a business associate sending her most heartfelt and empathetic condolences. She understood because she had lost her husband 5 years before. I asked her how she survived it.  How did she pull through? She responded, “I simply read all I could find about strong women and used that as my guide”.

I took that to heart and started reading the stories of my ancestor grandmothers. Strong physically, mentally and spiritually, these were women who overcame trials and survived! They were successful in all areas of their lives and were heroes to those who followed.  As I researched, story after heroic story unfolded as if they were telling me, “Hold on, you can do this!”

One morning, not long after the funeral but after everyone had left and I was alone, I was overcome with the burden of getting that huge house and acreage ready to sell and to find a place, yet unknown, to start a new life! A daunting and frightening undertaking. With the weight of the world on my shoulders I walked into the kitchen and stood at the sink. No dishes to do because I had eaten a bite of a leftover sandwich standing in front of the open refrigerator an hour earlier, so opposite from the full-fledged breakfasts that Dale so loved and we prepared together creating mounds of dishes to load into the dishwasher.  But today, the sink was empty and all the dishes and pots and pans and napkins and pitchers and silverware and place-mats were in their places in the shelves waiting for a meal that wouldn’t be happening. The normal routine was not there and the heaviness of grief and worry seemed to have a deafening beat inside my head.  

And then, out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving across the tile floor, OH NO! A trail of ants coming in through the bottom of the door and across the kitchen right up to where I was standing.  That was it.  I’d had it, on top of everything else do I really have to deal with ANTS!! It was like they were suddenly the biggest problem in the universe - the one thing that made all of the rest too much to handle!

And then...I heard a soft feminine voice, a whisper like a soft feather against my ear as if it was coming from someone standing next to my shoulder and also looking at the moving trail, remarking in the most loving tone, “Well, at least they are not rattlesnakes!”

Amazingly, I was instantly calm. I knew it was a grandmother from ages ago telling me to calm down, see this for what it is and that I could do this.  I realized that she’d had it a lot worse in life and survived it all using her wits, courage and much prayer and that gave me strength. And it gave me power...and it gave me...the idea to get the broom and the dustpan and scoop up the ants and carry them out.  I had some good organic ant spray that I used around the base of the door.  Came back in, washed my hands in the sink and fixed a decent breakfast - taking time to thank that thoughtful lady from long ago for caring for me.

Since then I’ve found courage in times when I didn’t think I could. Strength when it isn’t logical that I should have strength.  Calm when I need it most. I continue to discover stories about my ancestors (both women and men) that overcame tremendous heart aches and hardships in their lives. Dale was one of those men. 

Yesterday though I was feeling overcome with the fear of a heavy burden that I was carrying and feeling at the breaking point I suddenly just flipped on the radio and immediately heard Phillip Phillips wailing…

Settle Down, it’ll all be clear

Don’t pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

It you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone

Cause I’m gonna make this place your home.

And for the very first time in the million times I’ve heard that song, I felt Dale standing next to me, like that thoughtful great great grandmother had done before and he made me understand in an instant that he is in heaven making a home for me in that place!  Not any time soon… but when I’ve done all that I need to do here, he’ll be there ready for me.  That concept instantly calmed me down, I suddenly figured out what it was that I needed to do about that big frustration I had been stewing about (which didn’t seem so big any longer). And you know what? By settling down it became clear, everything isn't just about, nor does it end, here. There is such a wonderful place to work towards.

It’s a happy thought now to ponder that perhaps those strong women who continue to inspire me will come by to visit us in that heavenly home that Dale is busy preparing so I can thank them for their help.