I Need a Blessing That's Not in Disguise

I have to admit I am weak this morning, emotionally spiritually and physically after yet another night of fractured sleep.

I'm not the least bit happy to see the sunrise in fact I'm actually annoyed as I watch it try to peek, poke and push its way through the slats in my window blinds. I smugly think how happy I am that I closed them last night and avoided a full on blast of dreaded sunshine.

Do I really need to do battle with the Goliaths that are awaiting my entrance into the day in the hope that something good will come of the fight?

I'm weak. I know I have been blessed with what has come to me through my trials but this morning I am weak.

I'm inclined to side with Kitty Collins who said....

”What I need is a blessing that’s not in disguise”

I could get up and fix breakfast, I consider.  Maybe an egg and toast? Maybe I'll fix the egg the way Dale liked it. He said I was the only one who could fry an egg the way he liked it. But then again what fun would that be without him to eat it?

 I sigh.

I decide I'm just too miserable, too unhappy, too used up and I pull the covers over my head.

And then, a voice, a soft voice….

"Joy is a choice"

I flip the covers down.  “ Ya know?”....I stare up at the ceiling....”That's true.” I say a bit hesitantly to the empty room.

My mind wanders to the lost boys of Sudan and a book I read called: Running for My Life: One Lost Boy’s Journey from the Killing Fields of Sudan to the Olympic Games by Lopez Lamong.

Snatched from his mother’s arms at gunpoint during a church service when he was 6 years old, he was thrown into a massive filthy camp somewhere in the Sudan where thousands of other “lost boys” lived in horror and starvation. Malaria and other diseases raged and boys died each night. He sat crying. He couldn’t understand how his parents couldn’t find him. Another boy, a bit older, who had been there longer got right up into his face and said “Stop! You see that boy over there?” He was a young boy like Lopez and he could tell he wasn’t going to survive much longer because he rarely left the tent where he sat day after day rocking, rocking, rocking as his mind slowly slipped away.  The older boy told Lopez that he must not sit and wish for something that is never going to happen or he will lose his mind. He needed to focus on here and now, do his chores, keep his mind busy.  This is the life you have now, he told him. Accept it or end up like that other boy.

Lopez sat and stared at the rocking boy for a long time, there were others like him who cried for home day and night. Eventually, malaria always got to these boys. He locked eyes with the rocking boy and he asked himself “What will it be?” and the answer was easy, he jumped up and ran out of the tent and chased after the older boy.

So...back to me. I could lay here and rock back and forth and go over, under and around and through my list of woes or…. I could take the advice of that subtle whisper and choose joy.

I sit up. “Well what will it be? Considering everything, I think the answer is easy, I'll choose joy.”

Even though I will never ever experience the hardships faced by the lost boys, my hardships are still mine and they can seem overwhelming. But they are mine to deal with. I get out of bed, less conscious of the aches and pains and walk over to the blinds and as I open them, sunshine floods the room and I welcome it.  

I head for the kitchen and pull out the small skillet that I haven’t used since I fixed breakfast eggs for Dale. I realize my quest for joy doesn’t have to be monumental - just a pinch of joy added to every thing I do.  As I go through the egg frying process I realize I’m not sad, I’m not lonesome, I’m enjoying this.  I sit down to eat, it’s Good!  I enjoy every bite.

This day is already different than I thought it was going to be. It's as if in my weakness and my desire to withdraw from the challenges of the morning an angel decided to change my day with 4 little words and whispered....”Joy is a choice”.

I'm going to apply that to everything I do today, saying “I do this with Joy!” or “I’m going to Enjoy this!” It occurs to me that it is one part of my life where I have total control. I can choose stress I can choose giving up, I can choose to be grumpy, miserable or defeated or I can choose…I Can Choose…I CAN CHOOSE!!!!  Joy.