A Simple Understanding that Opens a Door on a Widow's Journey

“I am a child of God”

I remember the thrill I felt hearing those words in a brand new song when I was 5 years old.

 

We were practicing for the children’s program at church and the chorister, a lovely lady with a soft voice and a comforting smile, introduced us to each line, one at a time. She would sing and then we would sing it back to her.  I loved it instantly.

I am a child of God, she sang and we, the children, sang it back.

And He has sent me here.

     And he has sent me here.  We imitated

Has given me an earthly home

With parents kind and dear.

 

Oh it was a good, happy song I thought.

Lead me, Guide me, Walk beside me.  She said this was the first line of the chorus and we repeated it.

Teach me all that I must know

To live with Him someday.

“Oh…will there be a lot I’ll have to know?”  I wondered. 

We practiced and practiced each one of the 4 verses that went with the chorus until we had every word and every note perfect and she smiled. And we smiled. It was a good song. One that just seemed right.

Weeks of practicing and then it was program day and we were all dressed in our Sunday finest and had taken our seats in the choir loft. People were milling in. The chorister stood before us, tapped her baton lightly on the music stand to get our attention. And in a quiet voice said there was a change in the song.

We were worried.

But she said it was just one word in the chorus.  She said that Spencer W. Kimball had heard the song and loved it but wanted it to say, “Teach me all that I must DO” instead of “Teach me all that I must KNOW.”

We put that thought into our minds and tried very hard to keep it there and then the time came for us to stand and sing our song. We gave a satisfactory performance I felt, although we may have over-emphasized the word DO each time we sang the chorus. But perhaps that was a good thing!

Today, sixty years later, I’m thinking of New Year’s Resolutions (perhaps for the 60^th time) and I realize how easy it is to make the resolutions and it’s actually pretty easy to set a plan for making the resolutions happen!  I know just how I can go about it, I have schedules all prepared, neat little charts and files with info…ready to make things a habit! I have the desire, I have the game plan. And yet….alas it’s January 5^th and I haven’t started yet. And it’s not for lack of trying. It’s as if the engine won’t turn.

Shoot…but I KNOW it needs to happen. So I go with the pep talk...

Just get up and GO…just light a fire under yourself and burn brightly….just throw caution to the wind and try…just DO IT…You go girl…fight, fight, fight.

Wait for it, wait for it!......Oh who am I kidding?  It’s a huge step from Know to Do.

So as is often the case…I decide to research it. I’ll see if someone knows how to get from knowing to doing.

I found this by Leo Barbauta:

You know that you should exercise, and eat lots of veggies and less fried, salty and sweet foods. But knowing something and actually doing it are two very different things.

You know you should stop procrastinating. You know you should watch less TV or go to social sites (or news sites, or your email program) less time. You know you should be writing, or learning that language you’ve always wanted to learn, or practicing guitar, or decluttering your house.

Knowing isn’t the problem. It’s the doing that gets us every time.

In business, there’s a concept called The Knowing-Doing Gap, where companies study all kinds of ways to improve, hire consultants and hold endless seminars, start a new Big Program ever year..but don’t actually change anything. They know what to improve, but don’t actually implement it.

Why is implementing so hard? How do we put knowledge into action? What’s stopping us, and how do we overcome it?

He goes on to say that rather than doing it we usually read more about it, talk more about it, put off doing it, feel guilty about it and then push it to the back of our minds. And when we finally decide to do something about it  - we read and talk about it some more.

Ok…so I’m not the only one.

He believes that the answer lies in fear. 

“Ok” I say…”What am I afraid of?”  And after some good soul searching….I’m not afraid. That’s probably it for many people but that doesn’t seem to be the case for any one of the resolutions on my list.

Gosh, when I look back over the past 3 years of moving on without Dale…I’m not afraid of too much! To quote Helen Reddy:

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am woman

What then?

What’s keeping me in the knowing zone and out of the doing zone?

The answer came this morning in an unlikely source. An online art instructor who had confided that she not only had and then survived cancer but then discovered her husband was cheating on her and she ended her marriage. But then she had experienced and had found from others who had experienced tremendous heartaches and loss that part of the grieving process was to block negative emotions.  This I knew for a real live fact but then she said something important...that people going through this had discovered that this subconscious blocking of negative emotions, which is very much a part of grieving, can also be a block to creativity. 

Amazingly after responding to her in an open communique of my loss and this subsequent blockage that was causing resistance to dive into my creative plans. I heard from many other art students from around the world who had experienced this same phenomenon following grieving.

I recognized it as a truth right away.  I know that in the name of self-preservation I have had to shy away from many negative emotions as well as from some highly positive emotions because it opens me up to the vulnerability which may lead to the emotional pain that I fight so often. 

But to recognize that this plays a role in blocking the path from Knowing to Doing on my resolutions and/or goal lists is empowering.  There’s nothing wrong with me…its part of the process.  And as long as I see it now, I can understand and understanding bridges the gap between knowing what to do and finally…finally…being able to do it and with a lightness of heart.

I feel a Renewal of spirit. Another milestone. A gift of understanding.

Knowing what to do is important and necessary….being able to start the engine and Do it is a beautiful thing.

 And I smile. It’s good. I've taken yet another step.

P.S. You can hear the famous Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "I am a child of God" by going to the following link, (Still a good song 60 years later- although they sing it a bit better than we did. LOL)