Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time (a smidgen over a week ago) there was a Grandma who decided that nothing would make her quite so happy as to have a good visit with her grandchildren and their mommy and dad. 

So she got up really early, before the sun was even awake and she loaded her suitcase into her car, drove to the airport and got on a plane. In fact she got onto a very big plane and settled down into her seat and said, “This will be wonderful!”

The plane rolled out onto the runway and Grandma looked out the window excited with anticipation to see the ground going by so very fast and looked forward to being able to feel the plane rise up into the clouds but instead of taking off  - the plane slowed down and the pilot made an announcement…

“Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems we are having some mechanical issues up here in the cockpit and we need to return to the airport and have you all get out and get into another plane.”

“Oh too bad!” said Grandma.  But if that’s what it took to get to see her grand-kids then she was okay with that.

Many hours later the new plane had arrived at the gate and Grandma followed the single file line onto the plane and once again buckled herself into a seat by the window.

This time the plane took off speeding down the runway and then with a rumble and a bump they were up and they soared over the forest and they flew over the farmlands and passed over a great desert until they landed at an airport somewhere halfway between her home and the children’s home and she had to wait for yet another plane to take her the rest of the way to her family.

Many hours later she was on a new plane, her third one, she buckled her seat belt and looked out of the window at the setting sun. Up Up Up they went and she looked down at more desert and then ranch land passing beneath them as the sun slowly sank on the horizon.

But then she couldn’t see anything at all, It was dark now and Grandma had journeyed through two time zones in order to be with her little ones.

Suddenly lights, lots and lots of lights shining up from a big city.  Time to land!

Daddy (Grandma’s wonderful son) met her at the airport and after a big hug; he loaded her suitcase (that was stuffed with presents for her grandkids and grandkitty) into the back of his car. It was after midnight when they arrived home so Grandma didn’t get to see the little ones until morning.  But then, Oh what fun they had!!

Together they laughed and they played and all of Grandma’s dreams came true.

For one whole week the days were filled with love and happiness and treasured experiences.

And then one morning, before the sun came up and as the children still slept soundly in their beds, Mommy drove Grandma to the airport.  All of the hugs and goodbyes and tears had been shed the night before.

A few hours later, Grandma buckled herself into her seat by the window and breathed a heavy sigh. “My that was wonderful” she said.  And she closed her eyes until take off.

Flying through the air once again, she looked down from her window and watched ranchlands and then deserts and then farmlands pass beneath her and finally, after many many hours she saw the forest again.  She was home.

Her car was waiting for her in the airport parking lot. It started right up and Grandma said, “Oh thank you, you wonderful car, my good good friend.”

There was a little rain falling on the windshield as she drove away which felt very much like teardrops but Grandma refused to feel sad.  She started to sing, like she always does when she doesn’t want to be sad..”Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day (what a day) I’ve got a beautiful feeling...everything’s going my way”

As she drove closer to home her heart leaped a little in joy. Home is a good place to be. She was happy to see that the trees were still wearing their coats of many autumn colors in her absence and it brought a sense of comfort and welcome as she drove by them.

Home now, she pulled her suitcase out of the car and pulled up the handle. It followed her easily inside the door of the kitchen.  She stopped to inspect what she saw there. Everything was just as she had left it.

And it was quiet.

Oh So Quiet.

So very Very Quiet.

So awfully, terribly quiet.

No kitten playing peek-a-boo; no children doing handstands and flips or playing games of Sorry or Chess; no Son saying so many interesting things to make her marvel and feel so very proud, no World Series games playing in the background;  no daughter-in-law making caramel apples or braiding a little one’s hair. And there would be no family prayer tonight, no “Goodnights!”and “I love you’s!”, No hugs or kisses when tucking the little ones under their blankets.

Grandma sat down in her big comfortable chair. She quickly vetoed the thought of making dinner for one.

She was alone and the loneliness felt like heaviness in the air.  The way a thick fog feels in the early morning.

She knew the feeling well. It has been her constant companion since Grandpa died. She had developed many tricks and techniques to fight and avoid this terrible lonliness but she couldn’t think of any of them right now.

She realized she was too tired to cry and too tired to fight it so she closed her eyes and dreamed of all of the happy things they had done together. She thought of her granddaughter looking like an Olympian on the balance beam at the gymnastic meet and winning the overall GOLD Medal, she will now go on to State, it’s a really big deal.  Grandma dreamed of playing chess with her 6 year old grandson and going trunk or treating with him - so handsome in his Ninja Halloween costume. She dreamed of walking through the beautiful art museum with her son and eating crepes at a Parisian restaurant. She dreamed of being in awe as her daughter-in-law told her of the incredible things she was accomplishing at her work. She dreamed of dinners of smoked salmon and of the clever things that were said around the dinner table and the daily hugs and the laughter and the tender moments.

Grandma woke up with a smile several hours later and once again decided as she had decided before that she was definitely alone but she didn’t HAVE to be lonely.  Especially not now that she has more happy memories just behind her eyelids when she closes them each night.

For it was all just as wonderful as she had hoped it would be.

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And so this journey of being alone continues. To my surprise and with a fair amount of consternation... It’s an ongoing process with as many emotional twists and turns as the plane ride I just took and it takes “action” and a good plan to deal with loneliness and loneliness inevitably leads to that tool of the adversary...Discouragement.. Sadly, the plan to ignore it doesn’t make it go away it only allows it bloom like sugar poured onto yeast.   

 I just have to keep going, keep working on it, even if I don’t feel like it or even if I feel weak.  I glance over at the post-it note on my calendar, it reads: “You Brave, Brave Warrior You” and it gives me courage. I am once again aware (and it's something that amazingly requires a constant reminder) that even a little Encouragement, however you can get it, is a powerful antidote against the poison of the most dreaded emotion...Discouragement.  And I move on with a plan while I also remind myself that at any given time if Plan “A” doesn’t work…there are still 25 more letters in the alphabet. And it’s OK for me to use all of them if needed!