I remember the very first day of kindergarten. For many days leading up to that crucial day I had been educated by every tall person I knew, with the enthusiastic details of the wonderful things I would learn and the fun that I was certain to experience and of the new little people that would instantly become my good friends. Even so it was with a certain amount of trepidation that I entered the class room and not surprisingly it was colorful to be sure, the teacher was kind as was expected but I looked into the wide eyes of the children and other than the little boy who was clinging desperately to a ragged and well- loved stuffed monkey, we were all, each and every one of us, standing there feeling totally and utterly…alone.
What did I do? I jumped in and figured it out!
That’s the first
time I remember that feeling. That “all
alone” feeling that is so familiar to me now.
I remember having it
again when I had the lead in the school play “Babes in Toyland” in Junior High.
It was my solo and I was suddenly on the stage by myself. The rest of the cast
had parted (as was scripted) to the wings and I faced the audience with nothing
between us but a song. I was alone.
What did I do? I SANG! For all of it was worth, I sang my
song!
In High School I
accompanied the choir and at our concert the solo piano part came, the choir
stopped, the director looked at me and the only thing between me and the audience
were my fingers on the keys. The moment before the director gave the motion with
his baton seemed like a very long and quiet time, all eyes were on me. Me
alone!
What did I do, I
played; I played my heart out.
It occurs to me that
these and many other “all alone” times in my life have helped to prepare me for
this one.
Now, please note that alone
time is far different than “Me time”!
“Me time” was that
rare snippet of time I fought for and treasured as I slipped into a warm bubble
bath surrounded by candles and the wafting trills of classical music while I blissfully
let the rest of the world go by outside the door.
I think it was
Ronald Reagan who when asked how he liked retirement retorted that retirement
meant that every day was the same and frankly that just ruined his
weekends! And so it is that suddenly
becoming a widow and being alone for the better part of my days and the full
part of my nights has completely and totally squelched the purpose of, the need
for and the indulgence in “Me Time”. It’s
not the same now and I must admit… I miss it.
So I’m thinking that
I must have known some sort of strategy back in my youth about dealing with
being alone that perhaps I need to dust off and revitalize now! Regardless of my
efforts - the standing alone in a crowd
or feeling aware of being alone on the center stage in this play I call my life
comes around often! It’s a daily anxiety in fact!
It also occurs to me
that I’m not the only one. There is an army of widows and widowers out there as
well as people both men and woman who haven’t found their soul mates and feel
the serious pangs of aloneness.
There are children going to the first day of school, teenagers
taking their first solo drive in the car, college kids entering their first
lectures, adults taking on a new job and people moving to a new town or a new
home in an unfamiliar neighborhood. In
fact, we all feel alone at some and actually many times in our lives. Those moments where we stand as just one
human being alone and we are suddenly aware of it. With all of our senses, we
feel it.
So at my age I
should be an old hand at it by now right? Well, not so much. So I did a little research, thinking I’d find
the advice for the anxiety that children feel upon entering school for the very
first time and what I found can be applied to adults at any point of aloneness
as well. Just see if you can’t enter
your “feeling alone” situation into the following scenario and consider the
advice given as help for us…now!
Helping Your Child
Cope with Back-to-School Anxiety
Anxious feelings are
normal and expected during times of transition or change. This is especially
true for children and teens going back to school, or for first-timers starting
kindergarten. This transition can be stressful and disruptive for the entire family!
Prior to the first day of school, your anxious child may cling, cry, have
temper tantrums, complain of headaches or stomach pains, withdraw, and become
sullen or irritable.
(So do you see how similar
this is to adult loneliness situations?)
Worries are Common. Anxious
children and teens worry about many different school-related issues, such as
teachers, friends, fitting in, and/or being away from their parents. Some
common worries include:
- Who will be my new teacher?
- What if my new teacher is mean?
- Will any of my friends be in my
class?
- Will I fit in?
- Are my clothes OK?
- Will I look stupid?
- Who will I sit with at lunch?
- What if I miss the bus?
- What if I can’t understand the new
schoolwork?
- What if something bad happens to mom or dad while I am at school?
Although it is
normal for your child to have worries, it is crucial to make your child
attend school. Avoidance of school will only increase and reinforce your
child’s fears over the long-term, and make it increasingly more difficult to
attend. Besides missing school work, children and teens who stay home
because of anxiety miss:
- valuable opportunities to develop and
practice social skills
- important chances for success and
mastery
- being acknowledged and praised for
talents
- fostering close friendships with
classmates
Most importantly,
anxious children and teens who miss school cannot gather evidence that
challenges their unrealistic and catastrophic fears!
(OK I’m not talking
about going back to school here…but getting out in the world?... pretty much the
same right?)
How To Deal With
Back-to-School Worries!
Below are some general
strategies parents can use to deal with back-to-school worries, followed
by a schedule leading up to the first day of school.
Look after the
basics.
Nobody copes well
when they are tired or hungry. Anxious children often forget to eat, don’t feel
hungry, and don’t get enough sleep. Provide frequent and nutritious snacks for
your child during this time, you also need to build in regular routines, so
that life is more predictable for your child. These routines can involve the
morning and bedtime habits, as well as eating schedules. Encourage your child
to share his or her fears.
Ask your child what
is making him or her worried. Tell your child that it is normal to
have concerns. Before and during the first few weeks of school, set up a
regular time and place to talk. Some children feel most comfortable in a
private space with your undivided attention (such as right before bed, or
during mealtime). Teens often welcome some sort of distraction to cut the
intensity of their worries and feelings (such as driving in the car, or taking
a walk).
Avoid giving
reassurance...instead, problem-solve and plan! Children often seek
reassurance that bad things won’t happen in order to reduce their worry. Do not
assure them with “Don’t worry!” or “Everything will be fine!”
Instead, encourage your child to think of ways to solve his or her
problem. For example, “If (the worst) happens, what could you do?”
or “Let’s think of some ways you could handle that situation.” This
gives you the opportunity to coach your child on how to cope with (and
interpret) both real and imagined scary situations. You will also be giving
your child the tools he or she needs to cope with an unexpected situation that
might arise.
(I’m so loving this advice!)
Focus on the
positive aspects! Encourage your child to re-direct attention away
from the worries, and towards the positives. Ask your child, "What are
three things that you are most excited about on your first day of school?"
Most kids can think of something good, even if it's just
eating a special snack or going home at the end of the day. Chances are that
the fun aspects are simply getting overlooked by repetitive worries.
Pay attention to
your own behavior. It can be anxiety-provoking for parents to hand over
care and responsibility of their child to teachers. Children take cues from
their parents, so the more confidence and comfort you can model, the more your
child will understand there is no reason to be afraid. Be supportive yet firm.
When saying goodbye in the morning, say it cheerfully – once! Ensure you
don’t reward your child’s protests, crying, or tantrums by allow him or her to
avoid going to school. Instead, in a calm tone, say: “I can see that
going to school is making you scared, but you still have to go. Tell me what
you are worried about, so we can talk about it.” Chances are, your
child is anxious about something that requires a little problem-solving,
role-playing, planning, and/or involvement from the teacher.
(Since I’m both the parent
and the child in this scenario…I need to consider both sides carefully!)
I’m taking strength
in the realization that in my quest to conquer the stigma of being alone I am
in fact…not alone! And I have been in
training for this since…well since kindergarten.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'll restart the autobiography writing assignments next Thursday, I hope you'll use the time to catch up!
No comments:
Post a Comment