God Only Knows

It's 3 am and I've been awake for a few hours now.  I woke up feeling emotionally numb - not panicked, not afraid not full of grieving, not excited, not encouraged - just numb.

Yesterday I walked up to the studio over the garage, the first time alone since Dale died. His books are still on the shelves, his paintings are still on the walls but he wasn't there like he used to be.  No loving smile that always made me feel so comfortable and welcome in his private retreat. I fought the now all-too-common breakdown into breathless tears and instead I just clenched my fists and said out loud...very out loud..."I'm so tired of this!!!"  I just want him back!!!".  Yes, I actually asked that of the Lord. I waited...and...nothing happened.  So I looked at the room one last time through the eyes of loss, turned out the lights, walked out the door and down the stairs.  

I know I haven't really lost him but something changed in that moment. I felt, well, different.

I went back to work but couldn't really connect - I didn't care about the details but muddled through the rest of the day.  I went to bed early because I felt sleepy and being able to sleep is better than spending the evening alone so I went to bed. I awoke with a start, it seemed like it had been a long time but the clock said it was only 11:45, still the same day!  My mind was racing doing the business things I had glossed over earlier.  "No! Please Stop!" I begged my mind. I did what I so often do now when I awake and can't get back to sleep...I turned on my IPad and clicked onto the soothing voice that would read the Book of Mormon to me..I just randomly chose a chapter, anything would do.  He began reading in Alma and once again I was told that God is more powerful than any trial I am up against. Even if it's myself!  My fears, my trepidation, my lack of self faith.  I have faith in God, I have faith in Dale but it's hard to have faith in myself, in what I have accomplished and what I need to accomplish in the time I have left on earth.

Now wide awake and suddenly feeling a chill in the air I slipped from bed, put on a sweater and thick socks, grabbed a blanket and went out to the comfortable chair in the living room where I sat in a stupor of thought.  Unable to sleep ~ unable to plan ~ just nothing.  I soon realized that I was at a point of change.  Dale is gone from here, that is really, unquestionably - real.  But what now?

Then, I started to think about about Florence, standing alone as I did one day in the center of Piazza Santissima Annunziata near my apartment just 9 years ago.  Feeling for the first time like "me".  Surrounded by art, the opportunity to learn the craft I had always yearned to study - feeling the sheer potential of developing my talents and being able to become...me (an artist not a secretary).  

Dale had arranged the whole thing - he was inspired to find it - suggested it to me, made the contacts, paid for it, helped me move into my sweet little apartment with the view of the Duomo and encouraged me with unconditional faith.

Now, in the wee hours of this morning, it became clear to me that the 8 month experience in Florence was a preparation or a learning experience not only for art but for now. I felt I was being told that it was part of the plan just as this time in my life is also a part of my grand design. It is a gift from Dale so that I can have time to focus on me - to develop my talents and prove myself as an individual, not only as his devoted wife and best friend whom I would happily sacrifice for (hence my 35+ years as his devoted business assistant).  

"But...I miss him!  I need him and I want him with me!" I said out loud. But then..Oh...I see...I missed him in Florence too since he was an ocean and a continent away and I was on unfamiliar soil with everyone speaking a foreign language. But the art and the history! That was my language and because Dale believed in me, I could do it and so I stood that day in the piazza and felt whole for the very first time....

It was going on 4 am now. I have also wondering lately if I had done enough for Dale. Could I have done more even though I gave my all or at least the best I thought I could do! Did I fail him? Is the sum total of his mortal existence just over now?

I suddenly felt like I should turn on the tv and watch a show that recorded while I had slept earlier called The Voice - it's a singing competition that I enjoy watching. "I guess I'm finished with my self analysis" I thought!  I padded across the tile floor to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of juice and then tucked myself back under the blanket in the armchair, the big one that Dale used to love, and switched on the tv. Several contestants performed while I settled down and then a young man with a clear and comforting voice began a heart felt rendition of the Beach Boys song "God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You".

Since he died, Dale has often talked to me through songs.  When he does, I feel a warmth surge through me - like my nerve endings are igniting into some inner glow - here it was. "The Beach Boys" was Dale's favorite musical group and he was telling me that God only knows what he would have been without me.  I didn't fail him and what I do now is not only for me but also for him and our family circle.  A circle that includes our Savior who knows...He knows it all and He sees the purpose in everything.  I am to look at this time as something that the Savior and Dale arranged for me.  A chance for me to put on my brave and climb over that wall (I'll explain that another time) but I need to look at all of this as if Dale is in another country now.  Still supporting me and wanting to see my work, the way he was always thrilled to see my artwork or my photography or sit and listen to me play the piano or the guitar.  He is there encouraging me now and is telling me that I made a difference in his life - he wouldn't have been who he was without me and he is still progressing through my actions now - I played (play) a vital role in his life as he did (does) in mine.  So I am at a new level today.  I still have to work, I still have to sell the house, I still have an unknown future but I am going to build on what we had, knowing that it was meant to happen this way and even though it's not a comfortable road it makes me need to dig deep, develop a faith in myself, a stronger faith in the Lord and the Gospel and move forward with the joie d'vivre that I felt that day in the piazza.  An opportunity because of Dale - he wants me to share with him everything I learn and do - it is somehow vitally important to his progression as well as mine.

What a blessing came to me this morning.  I know that

• Dale believes in me
• He still needs me
• The Savior believes in me and He is stronger than any of my doubts and I can lean on Him when I falter
• This is part of the plan so I can either take it and run with it or mess it up, this is my decision, my freedom of choice, my free agency.

I have to adjust to that fully now.  It would be easier to give in and just quit...like diet and exercise and scripture study and work and developing talents - it all takes commitment and effort but if I fail to rise to each of those challenges I fail at life. But oh dear "I don't know if I am capable of doing great things!" I thought.  And the words came to me, "Then do simple things in a great way".  

It occurred to me that this time period has been orchestrated for me.  When I thought those words - I envisioned Mr. Gustafson, my High School choir director waving his arms and encouraging each of us to sing in a way that brought out our very best voice and by doing that the symbiotic voice of the choir blended together to touch the hearts of those who heard us and the world was somehow a better place for it. And when I played the piano accompaniment for the choir, Mr. Gus would talk to me about making the notes flow like melted milk chocolate and other dreamlike metaphors and I would respond to his direction and became a pianist that could play with emotion.

The Savior is my choir director and Dale is my supportive audience.  God only knows what I'd be without them!!

I am truly blessed.