First Kiss

When we were in France one summer, Dale bought a copy of this painting by William Adolph Bouguereau. It's title:  First Kiss.

He told me that it reminded him of us and just how long he had loved me...since we were baby angels!  I loved it.  

I hadn't thought of it again though until I was up in his art studio yesterday going through more "things".  10 months now since he died and I still ache when I discover another keepsake.  Anyway, I came upon these two darlings.  I had to sit down and through my tears that were a mixture of sadness for loss and joy of reliving another precious moment of our life together, I wondered out loud how long he had loved me and how long he will.  I shook off the temptation to break down and carried the picture back to the house. I noticed the letters that needed to be mailed and headed out, glad to have the reason to get away. I still carried the thought of how long...how long has this man been my soul mate and best friend..and how long will he be?

I flipped on the radio and immediately heard the words...."I've loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more".  I laughed and cried happy tears this time.  Another  love note from Dale.  Thank you!!

I'm Glad...

I woke up about 3 am and couldn't go back to sleep so I reached for my iPad to turn on some music.  My blurry eyes couldn't see the details so I just tapped on the Music icon and then randomly tapped on a song. 

Celine Dion began singing:

I'M ALIVE!

When you bless the day

I just drift away

All my worries die

I'm glad that I'm alive.

God knows that I'm alive.

It occurred to me that I somehow need to realize and even embrace the fact that even though Dale is not here with me the way he used to be (and there is still a huge rip in the fabric of my existence) the fact is - I am alive and just like everyone still here on this mortal earth we should all be singing,  "I'm glad that I'M ALIVE and I can't wait for the rest of my life because God blesses each day".

And I'm reminded of Henry Van Dykes' poem:

Be glad of life

because it gives you the chance

 to love, to work, to play, and to look up at the stars.

So my mantra going forward...is I'm Alive!.  Even though that is very hard for me to say right now, I'm realizing that in order to progress I need to say it, feel it and do something more with this gift by embracing the fact that I am 'glad' that I can love (unconditionally) and work and play and I should also give myself permission to look at the stars and the sunsets and the beauty of the earth.  I'm beginning to believe that it's good to be alive and that's how Dale would want it to be for me.

God Only Knows

It's 3 am and I've been awake for a few hours now.  I woke up feeling emotionally numb - not panicked, not afraid not full of grieving, not excited, not encouraged - just numb.

Yesterday I walked up to the studio over the garage, the first time alone since Dale died. His books are still on the shelves, his paintings are still on the walls but he wasn't there like he used to be.  No loving smile that always made me feel so comfortable and welcome in his private retreat. I fought the now all-too-common breakdown into breathless tears and instead I just clenched my fists and said out loud...very out loud..."I'm so tired of this!!!"  I just want him back!!!".  Yes, I actually asked that of the Lord. I waited...and...nothing happened.  So I looked at the room one last time through the eyes of loss, turned out the lights, walked out the door and down the stairs.  

I know I haven't really lost him but something changed in that moment. I felt, well, different.

I went back to work but couldn't really connect - I didn't care about the details but muddled through the rest of the day.  I went to bed early because I felt sleepy and being able to sleep is better than spending the evening alone so I went to bed. I awoke with a start, it seemed like it had been a long time but the clock said it was only 11:45, still the same day!  My mind was racing doing the business things I had glossed over earlier.  "No! Please Stop!" I begged my mind. I did what I so often do now when I awake and can't get back to sleep...I turned on my IPad and clicked onto the soothing voice that would read the Book of Mormon to me..I just randomly chose a chapter, anything would do.  He began reading in Alma and once again I was told that God is more powerful than any trial I am up against. Even if it's myself!  My fears, my trepidation, my lack of self faith.  I have faith in God, I have faith in Dale but it's hard to have faith in myself, in what I have accomplished and what I need to accomplish in the time I have left on earth.

Now wide awake and suddenly feeling a chill in the air I slipped from bed, put on a sweater and thick socks, grabbed a blanket and went out to the comfortable chair in the living room where I sat in a stupor of thought.  Unable to sleep ~ unable to plan ~ just nothing.  I soon realized that I was at a point of change.  Dale is gone from here, that is really, unquestionably - real.  But what now?

Then, I started to think about about Florence, standing alone as I did one day in the center of Piazza Santissima Annunziata near my apartment just 9 years ago.  Feeling for the first time like "me".  Surrounded by art, the opportunity to learn the craft I had always yearned to study - feeling the sheer potential of developing my talents and being able to become...me (an artist not a secretary).  

Dale had arranged the whole thing - he was inspired to find it - suggested it to me, made the contacts, paid for it, helped me move into my sweet little apartment with the view of the Duomo and encouraged me with unconditional faith.

Now, in the wee hours of this morning, it became clear to me that the 8 month experience in Florence was a preparation or a learning experience not only for art but for now. I felt I was being told that it was part of the plan just as this time in my life is also a part of my grand design. It is a gift from Dale so that I can have time to focus on me - to develop my talents and prove myself as an individual, not only as his devoted wife and best friend whom I would happily sacrifice for (hence my 35+ years as his devoted business assistant).  

"But...I miss him!  I need him and I want him with me!" I said out loud. But then..Oh...I see...I missed him in Florence too since he was an ocean and a continent away and I was on unfamiliar soil with everyone speaking a foreign language. But the art and the history! That was my language and because Dale believed in me, I could do it and so I stood that day in the piazza and felt whole for the very first time....

It was going on 4 am now. I have also wondering lately if I had done enough for Dale. Could I have done more even though I gave my all or at least the best I thought I could do! Did I fail him? Is the sum total of his mortal existence just over now?

I suddenly felt like I should turn on the tv and watch a show that recorded while I had slept earlier called The Voice - it's a singing competition that I enjoy watching. "I guess I'm finished with my self analysis" I thought!  I padded across the tile floor to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of juice and then tucked myself back under the blanket in the armchair, the big one that Dale used to love, and switched on the tv. Several contestants performed while I settled down and then a young man with a clear and comforting voice began a heart felt rendition of the Beach Boys song "God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You".

Since he died, Dale has often talked to me through songs.  When he does, I feel a warmth surge through me - like my nerve endings are igniting into some inner glow - here it was. "The Beach Boys" was Dale's favorite musical group and he was telling me that God only knows what he would have been without me.  I didn't fail him and what I do now is not only for me but also for him and our family circle.  A circle that includes our Savior who knows...He knows it all and He sees the purpose in everything.  I am to look at this time as something that the Savior and Dale arranged for me.  A chance for me to put on my brave and climb over that wall (I'll explain that another time) but I need to look at all of this as if Dale is in another country now.  Still supporting me and wanting to see my work, the way he was always thrilled to see my artwork or my photography or sit and listen to me play the piano or the guitar.  He is there encouraging me now and is telling me that I made a difference in his life - he wouldn't have been who he was without me and he is still progressing through my actions now - I played (play) a vital role in his life as he did (does) in mine.  So I am at a new level today.  I still have to work, I still have to sell the house, I still have an unknown future but I am going to build on what we had, knowing that it was meant to happen this way and even though it's not a comfortable road it makes me need to dig deep, develop a faith in myself, a stronger faith in the Lord and the Gospel and move forward with the joie d'vivre that I felt that day in the piazza.  An opportunity because of Dale - he wants me to share with him everything I learn and do - it is somehow vitally important to his progression as well as mine.

What a blessing came to me this morning.  I know that

• Dale believes in me
• He still needs me
• The Savior believes in me and He is stronger than any of my doubts and I can lean on Him when I falter
• This is part of the plan so I can either take it and run with it or mess it up, this is my decision, my freedom of choice, my free agency.

I have to adjust to that fully now.  It would be easier to give in and just quit...like diet and exercise and scripture study and work and developing talents - it all takes commitment and effort but if I fail to rise to each of those challenges I fail at life. But oh dear "I don't know if I am capable of doing great things!" I thought.  And the words came to me, "Then do simple things in a great way".  

It occurred to me that this time period has been orchestrated for me.  When I thought those words - I envisioned Mr. Gustafson, my High School choir director waving his arms and encouraging each of us to sing in a way that brought out our very best voice and by doing that the symbiotic voice of the choir blended together to touch the hearts of those who heard us and the world was somehow a better place for it. And when I played the piano accompaniment for the choir, Mr. Gus would talk to me about making the notes flow like melted milk chocolate and other dreamlike metaphors and I would respond to his direction and became a pianist that could play with emotion.

The Savior is my choir director and Dale is my supportive audience.  God only knows what I'd be without them!!

I am truly blessed.

Day one - I'm alone but not lonely

Day one of blogging. I'm reminded today of a story I heard many years ago - so many in fact, that the details have faded and I can't acknowledge the author. Although the trace of the story remains in that back part of my memory (where important tidbits are stored), my imagination retrieves the essence of the story and takes it on quite a different journey here....mainly because as the story unfolds as I write, it helps me progress along my own journey of being alone and seeking a miracle.

A young man huddled in the middle of a small rowboat in the middle of a lake in the middle of a storm.  He was alone, he was tired and he was afraid and so he prayed.  As the rain pelted his face, soaked his clothes and started to fill his little boat, he prayed like he had never prayed before.  Oh he had prayed often in his life but never had he been quite so compelled to ask quite so desperately for a miracle.

He humbled himself before the Lord, expressing his gratitude and acknowledging all of the blessings that the Lord had given him and asked that the Lord would bring him safely to shore.  He closed his prayer and opened his eyes..and waited. The rain pelted just as hard as it had before his prayer and as he held tightly to the sides of the boat it spun uncontrollably with each angry wave.

 "Lord, please, help me!"

And he heard a voice speaking to his heart, "I will lead you, I will guide you I will be here right beside you, what do you need to do?"

The man grabbed first one wooden oar and then the other and using all of his might he balanced the boat against the waves to stop the spinning.

"Good, now row!" he heard.

And the young man pulled on the oars with all of his might and then he pulled again and again and again and he started to weaken.

"I will give you strength" he heard. And he pulled at the oars again and again and again and somehow knew he was heading the right way.  Nearing exhaustion he prayed "I don't know where You are taking me Lord but I'm on my way!"

Just then, the rain stopped its frenzied bombardment and the waves softened to ripples, the angry fog relaxed into a mist and the man stopped rowing.  He looked up and could see the friendly green shore.  He was saved.

He began rowing with a renewed energy that came from deep within his tired muscles and aching back and guided the boat over the rocks and up against the beautiful dirt of the shore.  His knees were shaking as he dragged himself out of the boat but he fell on those knees upon the wet grass and prayed; "Oh Lord, my Lord, I thank Thee, I asked for a miracle and you gave me three.  You led me safely to shore and you taught me that I needed to play my part in the miracle and then gave me the strength to do it."

The man knew then that this was the answer to all of the miracles he was seeking in life.  If he would humbly ask, God would be there to lead him, to guide him and to help him do whatever he needed to do for his part in each miracle. With the Lord beside him, he went on to accomplish great things in his life.

And when the young man became an old man, his body was weak and he was tired and he was afraid and he prayed.  And in his heart he heard.  "I will lead you, I will guide you, I will be right here beside you."  And the man smiled, closed his eyes and asked "What would Ye have me do?" For he knew he was in for another grand adventure rowing toward another beautiful shore.

******

Since January of this year, I have found myself huddled alone and afraid in the middle of a terrible storm that was not expected or predicted and larger than any storm I had ever encountered.  My love, my companion, my best friend in life was suddenly gone.  The void has been incomparable to anything I could imagine.

I have experienced many miracles along the way.  But I am still rowing; I have not reached the shore yet.  I know the Lord will take me there if I keep listening for His guidance and if I keep doing my part.

My dear son and daughter-in-law have encouraged me to share what I have learned on this journey of survival, self discovery and my recognition of the help (in all of its forms) that I receive on a daily basis that will lead me safely home....wherever that may be.

Nearly a week after he died and the funeral was over and everyone went home, I awoke alone and in tears I walked into my closet to get ready to face another day.  Without warning or cause, the old inlaid wood music box my love had given me before we were married started to play...

Somewhere, my love,

There will be songs to sing

Although the snow

Covers the hope of spring.

Somewhere a hill

Blossoms in green and gold

And there are dreams

All that your heart can hold.

Someday we'll meet again, my love.

Someday whenever the spring breaks through.

You'll come to me

Out of the long ago,

Warm as the wind,

Soft as the kiss of snow.

Till then, my sweet,

Think of me now and then.

God, speed my love

'Til you are mine again.

I realized I am alone now but I don't have to be lonely.

Blog to continue......(words and music to the "Love Theme from Dr. Zhivago" by Francic Paul Webster and Maurice Jarre)