Captain of My Own Sailboat Now - and Writing Assignment #17 Father part 3 of 3

My time alone since the day that Dale died marches on regardless of my sorrow.  I used to wonder how it was possible that the sun could still rise and set, how the spring buds could still burst into a riot of happiness followed by the fruit of summer and then without the courtesy of asking for my approval display the golden leaves of autumn. How could the silent snowflakes fall again and create winter wonderlands all around me when there is such a void in my world? 

I just came upon a photo of Dale that I haven’t seen in probably 30 years.  It was a professional photo taken for business that he had simply tucked away in a file folder. At first I paused while the memory of that time in our life crossed over my heart and my mind tried to divert it away to prevent an emotional “feeling sorry for myself moment”.  I realized in that instant that my mind often does that automatically now - a way of self-preservation I assume.  But this time I called the memory back. I wanted to think about it.  I wanted to swirl it around and enjoy it, I wanted to savor it.  It was a good time.  A precious moment.  Why would I want to forget it! 

There are moments in life that change us forever.  Of course the day he died. But also the day we met. The day we married.  The days our sons were born. The day I stood with my back to his heart and he cradled me in his arms as we drifted down the Seine in Paris on the deck of the bateaux mouches. It was a January day with snow falling and we had the good fortune of having the bow of the vessel to ourselves while we snuggled to stay warm and delighted in sharing our memory moments together and looked forward to a happy forever making many more memories.

Why would I want to suppress these memories?  The good ones as well as the sad ones? 

My dear Mother suffered from dementia and would have given anything to be able to recall any memories at all.  Perhaps it’s time that I free my mind from what has become a natural response of protecting myself from the heartbreak of the memories and face them all head on not as a painful reminder of what I’ve lost but as a welcomed gift of precious moments that I can remember.

On a trip to Hawaii many years ago Dale purchased a CD that I quickly slid into the disk player in the convertible car we had rented and with the intoxicating smell of the coconut suntan lotion we had slathered on ourselves and pineapple smoothies in our drink holders, we explored the island with the Hawaiian songs wafting through the air that is fragrant with aroma of plumeria blossoms.

I remembered that the cd has been sitting unheard on my playlist for many years so I only hesitated a moment before I located it and clicked play and for once I allowed the memories to flow freely and wash over me like a soft Hawaiian waterfall.  I like it. I am free.  Free to remember.

I find myself swaying to the comforting voice of Keali’I’Reichel singing Kawaipunahale.  I close my eyes and I can see Dale sitting next to me driving the car, tan and happily contented as we drive along the coast looking at the cobalt blue water and brilliant white sailboats.  It’s a precious memory and I smile and as I concentrate on those peaceful sailboats suddenly a song plays on the album as if it’s just for me this time as Keali’i sings it:

Come Sail Away

I'm sailing away, I set an open course for the virgin sea
And I've got to be free
Free to face the world that's ahead of me

On board I'm the captain, so climb a board
We can search for tomorrow on every shore

And I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had

We've been happy forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold
But we'll try as best as we can to carry on

On board I'm the captain, so climb a board
We can search for tomorrow on every shore
And I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try to carry on
To carry on, to carry on

I can almost hear Mother telling me to hold on to every memory, to be free from constraint.  So I am the captain of my sailing ship now, and I can search for tomorrow on every shore and as reflections in the waves spark my memory…and since we missed the pot of gold of a long life of making memories together, I will carry on with a new contentment in having memories whether they bring on heartache or joy.  They are all precious moments of my life.  

If you’d like to hear Keali’i sing this song, go to Youtube.com and type in Come Sail Away Keali’i’ Reichel.  The graphics on the video are poor quality but just close your eyes and enjoy. 

WRITING ASSIGNMENT #17 FATHER part 3 of 3

• ·         What responsibilities did your father require of you as a child and/or teenager? Explain how this affected your growth and development.

• ·         What advice or counsel did he give you, personally, spiritually, financially and for school/business? What did that advice mean to you then and now?

• ·         In what ways are you like your father?