What can I give him?

It's early.  Very early, I'm up before the sun as is most often the case. Oh how I used to love to wake up in the morning and see the dappled sunlight spill into the bedroom, slip across the floor and gently touch the quilt on our bed.  Dale enjoyed mornings in the forest.  His homemade pancakes were hearty with lots of pure maple syrup or his Irish oatmeal would fill our bowls and then stick to our ribs to nourish us for a morning's labor. 


I awake now before the sun.  I'm not as lonely that way.  I purposely miss the morning ritual that began each new day with us...together.


It's Dale's birthday today.

What would we be doing this morning if he were still alive? He loved spring, he loved to travel and explore and we always seemed to find a new place to discover on his birthday. We would pack our cameras and tripods, climb in the car and stop at every opportunity to photograph spring breaking through as the earth unveiled a fresh new season.


A new start...spring.  I should be exhilarated that my home finally sold, for good this time, just last Friday.  It's a relief and a milestone and it was a new start on a lovely spring day.  But the reality is that our home is gone now.  I realize it had to be, I realize it's what I wanted and I also realize that a fresh start also means saying yet another goodbye.  Goodbye old home in the forest with the view of the river and the rolling pine covered hills and the eagles soaring overhead and the deer peeking in our windows.  Thank you for the memories, for the laughter and for the sorrow that painted his last years like a watercolor wash spiraling uncontrollably over the paper; a chaos of intricate multi-colored patterns and then, voila....a painting.  I'm glad it was his last home, he loved it there.  I'm glad that the new owners will experience the spring flowers that will have popped up to welcome them.  The hyacinth, the snowdrops, the blossoming fruit trees and the budding lilacs.


Last spring I wondered how I could survive without him. So many things have happened, so many little miracles have filled my heart with proof that he still loves me and cares for me and watches out for me.


I wrote this in my journal a few weeks after he died.  I read it again before I turned out the light last night.  It's one of the sweet reminders that has given me the strength to endure the pain of loss and to relive the happy times that feel like such a precious gift to me now, this is what I wrote:

SOMEWHERE MY LOVE

“Somewhere My Love” is the theme song from the movie “Dr. Zhivago”  It was the song that was playing as we danced our first dance together on the night we met. While we were dating, Dale gave me the gift of an Italian music box that played this song.  It became “our song” and it played as we danced our first dance as husband and wife at our wedding reception.

It’s been just over 3 weeks since Dale passed away.  This morning while I was getting dressed, the music box that has been sitting on my shelf for years suddenly started to play.  It played just the first 4 notes…Somewhere My Love…  I had long since forgotten the words to the song so through my tears I came to my computer and searched for the lyrics.

 I have experienced many impressions, thoughts, and indications from Dale these last few weeks that have given me great comfort in knowing that he is still with me and taking care of me.  This message perhaps means more to me than anything because it says exactly what I know he wants me to hear and wants me to keep in my heart and naturally it is in the style of poetry that he wrote for me throughout our life together.

Somewhere my Love,

There will be songs to sing

Although the snow

Covers the hope of spring.

Somewhere a hill
Blossoms in green and gold
And there are dreams
All that your heart can hold.

Someday we'll meet again, my love.
Someday whenever the spring breaks through.

You'll come to me
Out of the long ago,
Warm as the wind,
Soft as the kiss of snow.

Till then, my sweet,
Think of me now and then.
God, speed my love
'Til you are mine again.

Each stanza touched my heart as if he were whispering the words into my ear. 


Each word a gift to me.  But what can I give him today for his birthday? 


Many years ago he wrote a poem and he would often recite this line to me:

"I've saved a place high on a hill where the morning's first rays will kiss you good day" 
 
Perhaps I'll "put on my brave" this morning and allow myself to witness the sun's first rays again.  The morning of his birthday, my little gift to him...of me being strong. A little stronger than yesterday, a lot stronger than a year ago.  I'm going to be ok.  He'd like that.

Happy Birthday, here's the sun rising on your birthday just now.  It's going to be a good day.

Just Be Held

Friday was a bad day. The buyer of the home of my buyer is trying to bail which means my house may not be sold after all and may have to go back on the market Monday.  I feel the stress pounding over me like wave after wave of an angry storm and there is literally nothing that I can do about it.  I feel helpless, weary and confused.


But early this morning (Sunday) I remembered another song my son had sent to me and I have listened to it over and over and now I know that I need to just let go and be held.  I can't concentrate on the storm.  Tomorrow I will know more and there will be things I'll have to do and I also know that in time I'll understand why this is all happening to me but for today...I just want to be held:

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go.

By Casting Crowns

Here's a link if you would like to listen to it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxLoRuQiy1g

La Mer

Well I did it.  A year and 2 months a widow and my home, that has been languishing on the market, finally sold. I lowered the price, more than I ever thought I would or could, but it’s done and I’m very ready to turn the last page of this chapter of my life’s story and start a new chapter, the one with me in a different place that I can call home.

I moved to the lake.  I want a little cottage that I can decorate in white washed wood and soft French blue. A cozy place for one, where I can set up a studio to paint and to write and wrap myself up in a comfy Irish knit throw in an overstuffed chair and sip hot chocolate while I read a good book. First though, I have to find that place.  And to my rescue come my dear sweet sister and brother-in-law who have invited me to stay in their lovely home by the lake until I find my cottage and while things like finances, taxes and filtering through things to store and to give away and to keep or donate have settled and I can gain a solid footing.  I don’t have a clue how I can thank them for their generosity and unconditional kindness. 

I can actually sleep in their home -the whole night through – restorative peaceful sleep.  That’s something I never thought I would be able to do again.  But there is life here, happy – busy - productive life.  And it’s nourishing to me.

I walked down to the shore the other morning.  I stood alone and listened to the peaceful lap lap lap of the small waves bringing crystal clear water to the sand. It’s still much too cold but oh how I wanted to step out into that pristine water and let the clarity of it wash over my tired feet and clear my mind that has been so filled with the emotions and worries of the past year.  But then I looked up and the view of the distant bay over the water with the sail boats safely docked and the seagulls gliding peacefully with the soft blue water below them and the gentle white clouds above and it morphed in my mind to a dream that I had repeatedly each night for about 4 months before Dale died.  I didn’t know then what it meant but it never occurred to me that he was dying and I would be alone...

I was on the white porch of a precious white cottage by the bay, happily painting a seashore scene in muted shades of blue and cream.  What I saw and what I painted was much like the view I was seeing at the shore now.  And then I saw a man in the distance walking along the sand and as he got closer I could see it was Dale, he was barefoot, dressed in pale blue jeans and a light blue denim shirt.  He was young and fit and happy and came for a visit.  Inside my cottage the furnishings were white - accented with carefully chosen seashells and white starfish.  I was happy there and content - my heart felt cradled.

And as I stood there surrounded by the real life scene a tune emerged from the back of my mind - A song that I had often begged Dale to sing to me in the French language that he loved so very much:

La mer, Qu’on voit danser le long des golfes clairs….

(translation)
The sea, seen dancing along the clear bays. A silver highlights the sea, changing reflections in the rain.
The sea, in the summer sky merges white sheep with angels so pure. The shepherdess’ azure sea – infinite.
See, near the ponds the big wet reeds, see the white birds and the rusty houses.
The sea has cradled them along the shores of clear bays and with a love song -  the sea has cradled my heart for life.

And so I begin again, a fresh start in a new place. Even though I have been painfully, infinitely, indescribably alone, where there have been days that I try out my voice to see if it’s still there and my ears almost hurt from the silence, the journey here has not been alone.  Angels on both sides of the veil have given me guidance, comfort, support and love and I am so very blessed. 

"La Mer" - lyrics and music by Charles Trenet.  I love most the version sung by Kevin Klein from the movie soundtrack "French Kiss". 

The Cold North Wind Doth Blow

The wind is blowing tonight, a cold north wind. 

My Mother used to chant in a low, whispered voice…”A cold north wind doth blow and soon we shall have snow.”  It was always an ominous, threatening forecast of an Idaho snowstorm. Two little girls scrambled to our beds and shivered under the quilts that we had pulled up to our noses to wait wide-eyed and fearful for a resolution or for a calamity!  Oh how the wind would howl and batter our little house mercilessly on and on and on into the long night.  Even the promise of awakening to a snowy wonderland couldn’t assuage my fear. 

And so it was for me long after the little girl grew to be a young woman, a mother, and now a grandmother.  The cold north wind moans outside my window tonight and then wails as if in pain and I am afraid.  Dale never laughed at my childish fear but always took me in his arms and held me until the fright passed and the wind calmed. But I’m alone tonight.  I miss him and I start to sing a song that calls to him at such a time as this when I am afraid or when I am feeling unsure of myself.  It goes:

Sometimes my doubt seems as wide as the ocean

And I can’t stay afloat

My feet want to move another step forward

But I can’t see the road ahead of me

And I need you to….

Tell me I am strong

Tell me I am gonna make it

Tell me that you’ll stay by my side

Tell me that my faith is bigger than my fear and then

Tell me again, tell me again, oh tell me again

I’m not thinking about giving up or quitting, no

I’m gonna keep pushing on

But there are moments when it feels like I’m slipping

I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to let go

And I need you to….

Tell me I am strong

Tell me I am gonna make it

Tell me that you’ll stay by my side

Tell me that my faith is bigger than my fear and then

Tell me again, tell me again, oh tell me again.

Tell me I am brave

Tell me I am strong

Tell me I can make it

Tell me I am loved

-Taken from the Song “Tell Me’ by Hillary Weeks

I cry as I type, pleading for Dale to comfort me now. And then an amazing thing happens. My iPhone blings that a text has come in.  I glance down and see it’s from my dear son Eric who lives with his sweet family more than 2500 miles away.  The text simply reads…

I suddenly have the Beach Boys “Don’t Worry Baby” song in my head so I’m guessing Dad wants you to listen to that tonight

And now I can hear that song playing clearly in my head: “Don't worry baby, Everything will turn out alright”........and......…I’m ok. The storm inside me is calm again. I’ll make it through another night.  Thank you Dale.

A Year of Tears

New Year’s Eve 2014, alone and not wanting to rehash a year of tears I fell asleep watching a movie about 9 pm.  It was a great escape route but alas…I awoke at 11:45pm, still in 2014.  I was so very thirsty that I sat up and happily threw off the layers of blankets which was surprising since it was 7 degrees outside.  Warm inside, I made a mental note to add that to my “count my many blessings list”.  I slid into my worn but comfy slippers and without turning on the light padded down the tile flooring of the hall leading to the kitchen.  I heard the fireworks before I saw them, so on impulse I pulled a black goblet from its rack and filled it with blue Gatorade from the fridge.  Still in the dark I was easily drawn to the big windows of my living room and watched wave after wave of brilliant fireworks filling the sky over the distant pine trees.   From my vantage point it wasn’t a grand display but I was able to raise my glass and say Happy New Year to Dale and my mind meandered down the narrow streets of Florence to the New Year’s Eve we spent together amid a crowd of reveling Italians in the Piazza della Signoria. I seemed to be able to feel the hug and kiss he gave me at midnight that night. To my surprise the memory made me smile instead of cry.  This new month of January 2015 will mark a year since he died.  I still miss him every minute of every day and every second of each and every long, long night.  I knew sleep would be impossible so I sat back down in the leather chair and feeling a little chill in the air now, wrapped a blanket around me and clicked the tv back on.  I held the remote and skimmed through the movie I’d rented trying to locate the spot where I had fallen asleep earlier.  At one point in this movie the main character mused that “to truly feel loss one must lose someone they loved more than themselves”.  I truly feel loss.

This morning my heart aches as I realize that of the 365 days of 2014 I cried on 364 of them!  A true year of tears.  I didn’t want to!  It was just that I would be hit each day with something out of the blue as I worked hard to keep my mind busy and distracted that would plunge me into the depth of emotion that I would then have to fight with every fiber of my being to pull myself free through tears and prayers and faith.  The one day I was spared was one week ago, Christmas Day.  A day I feared could be the worst day filled with memories of Christmas past spent with my loving husband but I was at my sister and brother-in-law’s home by the lake, with a large gathering of family.  There was joy and there was cooking and baking and presents and LOVE the whole day through.  We ate brunch, we told stories, and as the turkey was roasting for our dinner, we watched the movie “White Christmas” and all of the sister groups (4 sets) wore blue butterflies in our hair as we crooned the “Sisters” song and took silly photos of us enjoying the moment.  My darling sister gave us each our birthstones and a journal for recording our journey of discovering our individual worth in 2015. A more thoughtful lady was never born for sure!!  And at the end of the delightful day, I tucked myself into the bed they had prepared for me, hearing all of the other loved ones settling down to sleep in the other bedrooms and I realized I hadn’t cried that day and felt that Dale was happy about that. I slept peacefully with the hope that there might be more tearless days ahead.

A major factor that has been a gift to me this last year that has pulled me through my most difficult times has been music.  Music!  It has comforted me, instructed me, encouraged me and I feel Dale and the Savior in every message.  With music, I am not alone. 

I would like to share those songs in the next blog.  But for now, Happy 2015!  We can do this.  I heard someone say “God didn’t go to all that work for our lives to amount to nothing!”  There is a purpose and a plan for each one of us.  Obviously not always the route we would like to take on life’s journey but if we believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and it is a plan for success we can relax and be held in His arms while doing what we need to do as well as making sure that we don’t get in the way of our own success!  As one of the songs I love says while talking to God: “I can’t wait to stand beside You at the end of my life and see how all the pieces fit!”

Finding the right Christmas Card

20 minutes had passed and even though I had read each verse on the back of each and every box of Christmas Cards at the store...nothing seemed right for the first card I would send alone in over 4 decades of Decembers.  Nothing seemed to show the peace and warmth that I am seeking this Christmas, the first Christmas since Dale passed away.

"May I help you?" the concerned clerk finally asked.

"No", I sighed but then suddenly smiled as the thought struck...."I'll just make my own card this time!" I said, surprising both the clerk AND myself and quickly handed her the three boxes I held that had verses that came close.

I scurried home with ideas flooding my mind.  I would watercolor a simple little scene of peace and warmth and humbly send it out to the family and friends who have supported me through this tumultuous year. 

Through this intense sorrow I have felt a peace deep inside as well.  As I reach out to the Savior, whose birthday we are celebrating, He gives me what I need most: Comfort.  Hope.  Peace.  

I hope my little Christmas Card will be able to convey this message.   I'll keep painting and share it later, but for now I want to share some things I've learned along the way...

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Why must we pass through trials in this life?

The Lord makes no secret that He will test our faith and our obedience. “We will prove them herewith,” He said, “to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”    

We learn from the book of Ecclesiastes: “All things come alike to all: there is one event to the righteous, and to the wicked; to the good and to the clean, and to the unclean; … as is the good, so is the sinner. … There is one event unto all.” Tempests may occur in the life of the man who built his life upon the rock of the gospel, as well as in the life of the foolish who built his life upon the things of this world.  

  

How should we react to these trials?

The Lord has said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.”  Each day we must take up our cross and press forward—and not just linger on the sidelines of our eternal journey.

When we are being tried, we should ponder and ask, “What does the Lord want me to do in this situation?”

When we have the sincere desire to put our lives in harmony with the will of the Lord, He will always be ready to help ease our burdens.

What destroys our good cheer and our hope?

Jesus Christ told the Twelve Apostles some of the things that can destroy our hope and make us give up: allowing ourselves to fall into temptation; not enduring affliction, tribulation, and persecution; fearing “the cares” of the world; seeking wealth first; giving up instead of enduring to the end.    

What gives us courage and hope?

The Lord’s invitation to each of us is “come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”   Jesus Christ has the power to give us rest from our pain and suffering.

If we daily exercise faith, meekness, charity, and lowliness in heart, confessing that Jesus is the Christ, and accepting His Atonement, we will be blessed with the strength and hope to face and overcome the trials and pains of this life.

What are some of the Lord’s promises to each one of us?

“Be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you.”    

“Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.”  
 

                            Elder Adhemar Damiani - LDS General Conference April 2005

First Kiss

When we were in France one summer, Dale bought a copy of this painting by William Adolph Bouguereau. It's title:  First Kiss.

He told me that it reminded him of us and just how long he had loved me...since we were baby angels!  I loved it.  

I hadn't thought of it again though until I was up in his art studio yesterday going through more "things".  10 months now since he died and I still ache when I discover another keepsake.  Anyway, I came upon these two darlings.  I had to sit down and through my tears that were a mixture of sadness for loss and joy of reliving another precious moment of our life together, I wondered out loud how long he had loved me and how long he will.  I shook off the temptation to break down and carried the picture back to the house. I noticed the letters that needed to be mailed and headed out, glad to have the reason to get away. I still carried the thought of how long...how long has this man been my soul mate and best friend..and how long will he be?

I flipped on the radio and immediately heard the words...."I've loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more".  I laughed and cried happy tears this time.  Another  love note from Dale.  Thank you!!